thinking about my dad

This month has been a hard one for my Dad.  The brother immediately above him in age died about a week and a half ago from liver cancer.  He had been sick for years, but he declined very quickly at the end and even though Dad went out to AZ to be with him at the end, Brian was not coherent when he arrived and shortly thereafter slipped into a coma, dying a couple of days later.

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose one of my sisters, and my father has had to mourn the deaths of 3 of his brothers in the last 20 years, two of them in the last 10.

So, in honor of my wonderful Dad who I love up to the moon, here is a reprise of a poem I wrote about him a few years ago.  This was prompted by a memory from when I was around 5 or 6.

Her first Father-Daughter dance

He lounges in the brown tweed Lay-Z-Boy,
the sound of raucous, cheering fans,
competing with the crunch of Fritos.

She is six and doesn’t understand
football belongs to men.
No Girls Allowed.

A creak, the chair leans back, arm raised
for the pass, next moment he is on his feet
shouting at the officials: Fourth down!

Sometimes she crawls onto his lap,
he buttons her into his big brown sweater.
In whispers her education begins.

His beard scratches her ear as he unfolds
Walter Payton’s record; the importance
of a good wide receiver

Soon she joins the groan at the fumble,
the botched two-point conversion or
the missed hold call.

17 to 20! two-minute warning!
The Bears run out—a punt return.
It will take a miracle!

She grips her Dr. Pepper.  
It doesn’t matter that she is too warm under the sweater.
It doesn’t matter she is not a son.

Time for a new tagline

For years my tagline has been "The wonderings and wanderings of a living oxymoron."  This was very meaningful to me because I really wrestled with how to bring into cohesive wholeness this seeming dichotomy between my love of all things domestic--including cooking, organizing a household, and making things grow--with my passionate pursuit of intellectual understanding.  It wasn't a combination that I saw modeled in my circle of acquaintance and it was questioned by many well-meaning people who continually tried to pigeon-hole me in an attempt to know and understand me.  There were always folks who accepted this strange commingling in me, some who even celebrated it, declaring my Renaissance Woman status.  But in the midst of that I felt the need to defend and explain, even in my blog header.

Recently (in the last few months) I realized that my tagline didn't resonate any more.  I knew of, if not personally, multiple other women who loved the quotidian practice of homemaking while also pursuing a life of the mind.  Whole communities of women existed online who were engineers who love canning, or artists who shared their cooking or cleaning practices, etc. and my own life was now peopled with men and women who celebrated and engaged with internal dichotomies of all sorts.

As I considered what to change the tagline to, I realized that I needed something that expressed my love for both the substantial material world and the world of ideas AND that embraced my conviction that my spiritual life and intimacy with Christ is what framed it all and made sense of these varied and sometimes divergent loves.  The newest iteration is this "Living in the midst of the material and ethereal and bringing it all into subjection to Christ."  That expresses my situation a bit more clearly and succinctly, but I am not certain yet if it is the most accurate version.  If you have any suggestions or feedback on this, I welcome it!

2012 ~ the year of meditation ~

view of city from south loop/pilsen 2009

2011 was a good year.  It was a year of preparation and that is what happened.  Sara and I were able to pay off all of our debt and increase our charitable giving, I started graduate school, and we even managed to get 8 hrs of sleep a night most of the year ;-)

2012 looks to be a busy year--in 2 weeks I'll begin my second semester of grad school, move to working part-time at my current job, and begin the adventure of full-time grad school.  This summer I hope to road trip to visit PhD programs and in the fall I will begin my final year of grad school and my thesis.  I will also be applying to PhD programs.

With all that is on my plate, especially in the realm of study and plans for the future, it is imperative that the truth find a home DEEP in my heart.  To that end, this is the year of mediation.  My intellect is an important part of my life and my intimacy with God.  All the exercise it is going to be getting with a full-time grad school class load means that my heart needs to be kept fit as well.  Rather than reading through the Bible again, as I have in past years, it has become clear that I need to go deep and build strong habits.  I will be reading through the Bible with a program that has been recommended to me at least 2 years in a row, including by Doug (post linked to above).  If you decided to do this as well, please let me know and perhaps we can share some of our fruit.

This will be a busy, full year, but I am certain that it will also be a year like none other for growth in maturity and intimacy with Christ.

many thanks to Jason Clark and his wonderful photo skills for this fun pic!

Pantoum of a Single Woman

I've been writing poetry as my weekly class assignments for my Forms of Poetry class this semester but much of it is not really worth sharing.  However, this past weekend I wrote a pantoum that I and my professor (and my classmates, I think) really enjoyed.  Hope you enjoy it too.

Btw, a pantoum is a form written in 4 line stanzas where the 2nd and 4th lines are repeated in the following stanza as lines 1 and 3.  It creates a rhythmic repetition that works for a variety of topics and styles, but seems to work particularly well with this one.

Pantoum of a Single Woman

I borrow babies, boys and girls,

their parents think I’m generous.

I’m only thinking of myself--

how can I sate this empty womb?

They think I’m generous and kind;

I give them several hours away.

To sate my empty womb takes time,

“Just dinner and a movie?” “Great.”

Those extra hours away, sweet bliss,

a tired couple’s desperate dream.

No chicken strips or dumb cartoons,

real conversation, what a treat.

Every tired couple’s dream

an evening free of dirty diapers;

uninterrupted conversation

like stolen sweet, forbidden fruit.

“Have an evening free of diapers.”

I am just thinking of myself,

holding them--forbidden fruit--

“I’ll borrow your babies any time.”

a cruciform heart

Reading my blogroll at work might be a dangerous practice.  Lately there have been too many posts that pierce my heart.  Not sure if the piercing is from the pointedness of the posts, or the thinness of my heart skin.  

Ann writes heartbreakingly of being abandoned in the jungle and being broken in your affluence and I can barely take it in.  Her words dance past my walls and barriers, going straight for the softest places in my heart, never caring what my intellect wants to say to keep a safe distance.

And then another comments on this story, with her own chapter of heart-tearing, truth bearing reality and I wonder if I will ever be capable of such transparency.  When I think I am full up and there is no more room to hear hearts crying or truth piercing, the wonderful encourager at Gypsy Momma weighs in about the beauty and power of being free to not be fine.

Thanksgiving wells up that I have this silent Monday to reflect and be quiet.  Come, Lord Jesus.  Break me open to make me whole.

Me too...

RZIM reposted a short article about G.K Chesterton that I love.  The quote below from the close of the article grabs my heart and my imagination:

To everyone his life affected, and continues to affect, G.K. Chesterton, with and without words, made a boisterous point about delighting in life to the fullest; life that is fullest, first and foremost, because there is someone to thank. He writes:

You say grace before meals.
All right.
But I say grace before the play and the opera,
And grace before the concert and the pantomime,
And grace before I open a book,
And grace before sketching, painting,
swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing;
And grace before I dip the pen in the ink.

Chesterton was a man alive with the gusto of resurrection, the marvel of truth, and the thankful foresight of the coming King among us. 

I especially want that last line to be true of my life.  Please let people say that about me too....

Fragile and Empty

Today has been a hard day.  I woke up to another day of unexplainable sinus unhappiness and an anxiety-inducing dream that left me craving a day wrapped in the comforter and burrowed away from life.  Talking out my dream with Sara led to some emotional conversation, tears, and a panicked rush into the shower so I could get to work close to on time.  Not even listening to some of my favorite Christmas music on the way in on the train could life my spirits.

Arriving to work 10 min late I found out that one of my co-workers will no longer be working here, effective immediately.  Minimal explanation is available, but it doesn't look positive.  When I talked to her supervisor about it she was noncommittal about reasons but did say that it was unexpected. 
 

one of the many doorways from our Edinburgh trip

In addition, it seems that my emotions are in a bit of a riot as I consider this next step in my work/school life.  My office would like me to stay on part-time in January at my current pay rate, pro-rated to an hourly wage.  They will hire a full-time receptionist to cover the front desk and I will only have my executive support duties 2.5 days a week.  It seems like an ideal situation.  But I've made too many leaps into commitment without taking the time to truly listen to what God is saying to me about it, so I am trying to take it slow.  

I can see many reasons why this could be His best provision for me, including the pay scale, the fact that I don't have to look for another job, and the comfort of not having to uproot myself.  The downside is that my tendency towards a peripatetic work life means that I am restless for change.  With almost 3.5 yrs logged in one location, change seems like a good idea.  Additionally, it would be great to be working in my neighborhood, or at least somewhere close by enough that I could commute via bicycle or walking, rather than taking the L all the way into the loop and back.  I've applied for a couple of positions in our neighborhood with no results, and searches for available positions haven't been very fruitful either. 


And on top of all of this, my heart is so restless for deep intimacy with God in prayer and Bible study.  I am so hungry.  My heart feels famished.  I know this is a good thing, to be encouraged and cultivated... an appetite that needs to grow.  But it is overwhelming in the rush and bustle of my life right now.  I find myself resenting my job, sitting at my desk for 7+ hrs a day and then rushing on to the next obligation.  I love the pieces of my life... classes, doing homework even, Sunday worship, working with the Children's Church kids, cooking dinner, helping Sara with her sewing projects, an occasional novel slipped into my academic reading...  But I haven't been making time for reflection, for deep listening, for soaking in the truth.

Edinburgh

I want to walk and keep walking until there is rest in my chaotic brain and overburdened heart.  Read this article on Art House America's blog yesterday and wanted to jump on a plane to anywhere where I could walk for a couple of weeks, stopping to sleep in a decent bed, eat pub food, and have a nice drink.  Fresh air, experiencing real weather, sleeping the sleep of the physically tired, and time to let my thoughts unbend.


Then I read something like Ann's post here about Ecuador and my heart breaks in a different direction.  The comfort and ease of my life often feels like a burden, a responsibility that I don't always handle well.  The beggars on the street are the most visible sign of the need that engulfs my life here in the city and I feel so inadequate to meet any of it.  My mind knows that rest and wholeness are found in Christ.  My emotions are often slow to find it.


Pray for me when you think of it.  Not sure what the Holy Spirit is doing in my heart, but I so desperately don't want to miss out on something beautiful because I am too busy or too blind.

New use for the blog?

So, I have not updated this blog in a VERY LONG time. I've been using Facebook for the majority of tasks that I've used this blog for in the past, so it has stood neglected. However, a new use has suddenly come to the fore: scholarship applications.

There are several scholarships that ask that you post on your blog and link back as part of the application process. As I navigate this somewhat tortuous path through grad school I am seeking to be the best steward possible of my time and finances. That means applying for any and all scholarships that cross my horizon and fit my goals and purpose.

To that end, I may be posting some pretty random posts over the next couple months. Since I seem to still have a couple of faithful readers, I will try to include some with actual life content as well in thanks for your continued readership.

Quick update:

I am currently in the MA English Literature program at Northeastern Illinois University. I started this fall and hope to finish the program in May 2013. I am currently taking two classes and working full-time at my current job, but plan to move to working part-time in January so that I can take a full course load for the remaining 3 semesters. While NEIU is small state school only 4 miles from my apartment, the professors in the program are energetic, young, and interested in changing the way English graduate work is done. This makes the program more interesting and challenges my own growth as a scholar in fruitful ways.

I owe a deep debt of gratitude to Sara Rhatican Gambill for all the support that she is offering me during this process. We have now lived together for the better part of 6 years and she is unfailingly gracious and generous with her time and energy to help make this a success. Over the last 12-14 months we have worked very diligently to pay off all of our debt and I am proud to say that by October 31st we will be entirely debt free! We aren't sure about the grand total yet, but it looks like we have paid off approx. $20,000 of credit card, school loan, and person loan debt. God has really shown up as we have sought to be good stewards. He has allowed us to increase our giving and still quickly advance out of debt.

Because of this move out of indebtedness, Sara has arranged our budget so that my full-time income is not necessary to keep our household afloat. As long as I can fund my education without debt and put aside my part-time income for savings, she is willing to use her full-time income to cover our household expenses. To keep up my end of the bargain I am energetically in pursuit of scholarship funds and looking for the best part-time work situation for our household. I know that God will provide exactly what we need when we need it which makes this both exhilarating and sometimes terrifying.

The path that lies before me pretty much looks like this. I can see only a little way ahead and sometimes the branches seem to be blocking the way. The long-term plan is a PhD in English or Comparative Literature and a full-time professorate at a college or university, preferable in the Appalachian region of Ohio, Kentucky, North Carolina, Western Virginia, Tennessee, etc. I am acutely aware that that dream is impossible on my own strength. However, I can see God's hand all over the path that has brought me this far, so I am earnestly seeking to just rest in Christ and trust that when the need is there, so will His provision be.

Please feel free to comment or email me if you have an questions. I realize that some of you are more up to date about life because you are friends with me on facebook, but some of you don't do the facebook thing :-)

thoughts for 2011

There is a lot to think about as 2011 opens. I am sure that this year is going to bring many changes and new experiences and I've been looking for ways to filter my ideas and opportunities in the most effective and fruitful way. I want my life to honor God in all of its particulars and I am trying to wrap my brain and heart around the life purpose that he helped me to articulate late last year.

Life purpose: To create shalom in my community through teaching and hospitality.

Vision for the next few years: prepare for and then acquire a PhD in English Literature so that I can teach at a college or university where I can pursue my purpose with those who have a Christian identity but lack intimacy with Christ.

I expect that there will be much to consider but right now I have a few articles that are worth thoughtful consideration:

• This post from Ravi Zacharias includes a story that I have heard before, but its truth pierced me anew: " ...The primary purpose of a home is to reflect and to distribute the love of Christ. Anything that usurps that is idolatrous. ..."
• The Art House America blog had a reflective piece on seeing reality and this quote was also a good reminder as I consider the reality of hospitality and shalom in the life of the city: "...He spoke of Jesus’ mandate to let the wheat and the chaff grow together and let God have control in the end — God who is not threatened by the presence of chaff. If we took it upon ourselves to start weeding the field, we would get it wrong. We would proceed by making false distinctions, in groups and out groups, positions of advantage and of humiliation. We would grab power and disenfranchise anyone who didn’t fit the controlling narrative we created; we would pluck out wheat and call it chaff...."

2010 saw the end of a long-term relationship, the change of homes, change of church homes, and a renewal of my commitment to live in the city for at least the next 5 yrs. With a clearly articulated purpose, an ambitious debt-payment plan, and preparations underway to start graduate school in the fall there is a much on my mind and my heart. If there are still any readers of this blog, please pray for me as I seek to use the next 8 months as preparation for the next big step. There are far more things that I want to do, understand and experience than I can fit in that short time. I need Holy Spirit-guided discernment to make the best choices. Saturday is our Household Summit. I hope to come out of it with a better grasp on the next 12 months and hopefully some attainable goals for the next 3/6/9 months. I will share more as it becomes known.

photo is from Pluscarden Abbey, Scotland from our trip in Nov 2010

MOVING!

Sara and I have taken a lease on a new apt just up the street from our current one. Our lease will start Oct 1st on this 2-bedroom third-floor walk-up and we are VERY excited. We were looking for a place where we could settle down for a few years and really get invested in our neighborhood. The apt is circled(?) in purple in the image above. All of those windows are ours and face west for some beautiful sunlight. After we move in and get things situated I'll try to get more pics up. One exciting development is that the additional space should give me a full-time sewing/creating space.

What is going on with my blog

As many of you know, I have been using Facebook almost exclusively to update people on my life, to track links that I am interested in, to record books that I am reading, etc. It is serving, for the most part, all the roles that this blog was filling. However, I don't want to completely surrender The Domestic Intellectual just yet. I feel that it may continue to serve an important place in my life, and I am contemplating which is preferable--my own blog or Facebook. No decisions yet.

I did want to take a moment to put out a little note about the next little adventure in my life. I am, along with my best friend Sara, going to participate in the October Dress Project. Basically, this means that I am going to wear the same dress every day for the entire month of October. I am hoping this will help me enter into a new relationship with my clothes that is simpler, more economical and less fraught with emotion. I am also looking forward to boosted creativity as I seek to work around the limitations of the same dress.

The dress that I am wearing is based on a pattern that I have made several times before and which I find both comfortable and attractive. It is really more of a jumper than a dress, but I enjoy layering and am making it out of dark gray, lightweight wool that will go with most of my wardrobe.

Hopefully I will periodically post pictures either here and/or on Facebook to show you how it is going.

Where I've been

It has been some time since I last posted. There are several reasons that sound more like excuses, but there is one that I want to put out here in earnest.

As many of you who love me know, I can be a bit compulsive. Well, at the conviction of the Holy Spirit and a medical evaluation that said I was under too much stress I've decided to be ruthless in editing things out of my life that cause stress, exacerbate my stressed-out feelings or cause me to waste my already limited time. The internet was keeping me from most of my other hobbies and from reading... as well as frequently keeping me from sleeping! Therefore, the decision was made to NOT have internet access at the new apartment and to limit my time online at work.

Jon may be getting internet access at his apartment in the next month or two to enable him to work more from home. In the event that he chooses to do that, I may have more access when we get together, since our apartments are now just down the road from each other.

However, all told, I am not sure that I will be updating this blog much. I don't want to quit it completely, but I have been writing more in my journal and spending more time reading and talking with my immediate friends and family. It really doesn't leave a lot of time for online communication... even email and facebook.

Thank you for your understanding!

Meditation

This song has been playing over and over on my ipod. I couldn't find any version with the lyrics written down, so here is are the lyrics (compliments of Terry Stauffer).

As Long As You Are Glorified

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

Bridge So quiet my restless heart, quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart in You

The entire cd Come Weary Saints has been an incredible blessing to me. This year the Lord has impressed deeply on my heart the need to meditate on the cross. I need the truth to sink deep in my heart until it shapes my every thought. To that end I realized that I desperately needed an infusion of theologically deep worship music. Unfortunately that can be hard to find. But then I read the good news!

In February Sovereign Grace Music ran a sale where almost all their cds were only $6 each and no shipping! I purchased a bunch (6 or 7 I think) but this one is by far my favorite. Their music has the deep lyrics that I hunger for with music that plays over and over in your head. I highly reccommend them! So now I am off to bed to mediate some more on the glory of the Cross and Christ's sufficency in my daily struggle. How will I live if I truly believed that His glory is all that matters... I long for nothing else as long/ As You are glorified?

Latest computer update

This week the RAM and the external hard drive were delivered. My ever-available techie friend said he could probably come by on Friday or Saturday to install the RAM, so I am hopeful that picture-editing will be happening soon! Not that I have many pictures to edit, mind you, but I do have some that have been sitting on my hard drive for a L-O-N-G time waiting to be posted and blogged about.

Good computer news!

Thanks be to God! My computer did not crash as originally believed. Rather, my ipod had interfered with the boot-up and it was only temporary. When the possibility was brought to my attention, I shut it down, started it up and all was well. I still need to upgrade my RAM and add an external hard drive, but I don't have any need to fear for the moment. Now if only I could remember to save toward a new computer so I am not taken by surprise when it finally does kick the bucket.

Bad computer news:-(

Earlier this week, right as I was planning to upgrade the RAM on my laptop, it quit working. Nothing. Just a black screen and the fan humming along. Because there was no great grinding or other scary noises I am hoping that the hard drive is OK. Not only that, but my best techie pal went out of town the next day and is not expected back until mid-week next week! So, this means I only have internet access at work. Sorry for the delay... although I wasn't getting things up here too quickly anyway.

Thanks for your patience!

A bit more about the engagement

Work is a little slow this afternoon and I have a few minutes to write a short post. While my mind is wandering here, there, and everywhere, I know that what my few faithful readers really want to hear about is how/when/where Jon popped the question.

First, it must be said that Jon is not a quick mover. While I had decided only a couple of months into our relationship that I wanted to marry him, he took his time considering all the implications. By the time we headed to Sarasota to spend my 30th birthday with my dear friend TulipGirl and her family, I thought he might be considering proposing. We had talked about marriage and we were in a mentoring relationship with a married couple--Ken and Sue--and were reading the book Sacred Marriage with them.

Good signs of a possible proposal flitted across the horizon, but considering Jon's methodical (and sometimes procrastinatory) tendencies, I thought it might be possible that he would propose around Christmas or New Years. At that point we would have been dating for 7 months. If you know my family history that definitely qualifies as a LONG-term relationship! For Jon, on the other hand, it was still quick. He has no married siblings and one of his cousins dated his girlfriend for 7 YEARS before they married!

All of this set me up for a bit of an emotional quandry. Everyday Jon was giving me more and more evidence or his strong character, passion for God, brilliant mind, tender heart and hilarious sense of humor. When I imagined someone partnering with me to minister to the body, raise children and impact the world for Christ, no one seemed to fit more perfectly than Jon. He was what I wanted. But I had already learned from long and hard experience that the pain of un-met desire is infinitely easier than the pain of fighting God for something He is unwilling to give.

To be continued….

From the Desk of Rebecca: Random Friday Thoughts

Fridays seem to be the best time to collect random tidbits, so here are mine. Like my earlier post, it seems more fun to share those things that have provoked thought, laughter or... as referred to earlier today, lust. Have fun!

Erik Redmond at Irish Calvinist often has interesting or provocative posts, but I really enjoyed his brief reflection on the irony that he spent his single life being macho with his guy friends only to marry and have a woman for a best friend:-)

Good ole JT had another great post that led me to an online PDF about loving God with your heart AND your mind. I am looking forward to exploring this at greater length.

As if I didn't already have enough to read, Practicing Writer pointed me to an online community of readers and writers that looks like it should yield some interesting reads... Maybe I'll even comment if it is worth it...

Some of you know my passion for godly marriage--eventually my own , but mostly the support of marriage-mindedness in singles and marriage-committedness in my married friends. Boundless provides another interesting post about why they are so vocally in support of marriage.

JT had a post earlier on Nichols' book on the Blues and what an African-American pastor thinks of this exploration of a minority view of Christianity. Recently J and I were discussing what it feels like to be a minority when there are a very small number of Christians in a setting where there are systematic thought patterns that keep people from even seeing their prejudice. We discussed how it requires much grace, patience and genuine love to help someone see their faulty thought patterns and systematic beliefs for what they are.

It made me think of those unconscious prejudicial patterns in my own thinking that I rarely see because they seem so natural. I have been repenting daily since then. There is no way around it... my heart harbors prejudices, particularly racial and intellectual ones. Now I am struggling to change those patterns, but I can see it will take a lot of grace and patience on the part of those who are the objects of this prejudice and a great work of the Holy Spirit to redeem my thinking.

That leads me to Parchment and Pen's interesting post on one argument against atheism that may not be very effective.

Finally, I close with my friend April's ode to her beloved father. Her attitude, if not her specific examples could all be spoken about my own father. I don't know what I would do without his love and loving relationship with me. He has taught me much about what a man can be by the grace of God. In addition, my sisters and I experienced some of adventures in the company of April, Stacey and their incorrigible dad:-)

Enjoy the weekend! It should be beautiful weather here in the Chicagoland area, and hopefully good weather for the Marathon. May God be with anyone who thinks running 28 miles is a good thing:-D

Life.. but no pictures

Autumn has arrived in Chicago and I LOVE it! Just one more month until the big 3-0 and I am excited about that as well. My plans have crystallized .... I will be celebrating my joy at the turn of a decade with some dear friends that I see far too infrequently: TulipGirl and her riotous clan! Jon has agreed to come along as well, so it should be a good party.

Thanks to my generous boss I have access to my vacation several months early so I am taking a long weekend (Thursday to Monday) to visit Sarasota. We fly out the day before my birthday and then have all weekend to celebrate and catch up.

My heart pines for some international travel, but my pocketbook and vacation days do not allow it right now:-( I am hoping to possibly do some travel in March to destinations yet unknown.... Another friend is going to be moving from Cyprus to southern Spain and I've never been to Spain before... So many options and so little time (or money)!

Look at my new quote!

My beloved friend Tulip Girl sent me this today:

"The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience."

~Emily Elizabeth Dickinson~

She thought it fit me. What do you think?