thinking about my dad

This month has been a hard one for my Dad.  The brother immediately above him in age died about a week and a half ago from liver cancer.  He had been sick for years, but he declined very quickly at the end and even though Dad went out to AZ to be with him at the end, Brian was not coherent when he arrived and shortly thereafter slipped into a coma, dying a couple of days later.

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose one of my sisters, and my father has had to mourn the deaths of 3 of his brothers in the last 20 years, two of them in the last 10.

So, in honor of my wonderful Dad who I love up to the moon, here is a reprise of a poem I wrote about him a few years ago.  This was prompted by a memory from when I was around 5 or 6.

Her first Father-Daughter dance

He lounges in the brown tweed Lay-Z-Boy,
the sound of raucous, cheering fans,
competing with the crunch of Fritos.

She is six and doesn’t understand
football belongs to men.
No Girls Allowed.

A creak, the chair leans back, arm raised
for the pass, next moment he is on his feet
shouting at the officials: Fourth down!

Sometimes she crawls onto his lap,
he buttons her into his big brown sweater.
In whispers her education begins.

His beard scratches her ear as he unfolds
Walter Payton’s record; the importance
of a good wide receiver

Soon she joins the groan at the fumble,
the botched two-point conversion or
the missed hold call.

17 to 20! two-minute warning!
The Bears run out—a punt return.
It will take a miracle!

She grips her Dr. Pepper.  
It doesn’t matter that she is too warm under the sweater.
It doesn’t matter she is not a son.

Sorry for the delay #2

Life has been very intense since the new year rolled in. Jon and I are doing much praying and seeking the will of God for the future, so it is difficult to write our story right now. Your prayers are appreciated and what I said earlier still stands: the pain of trying to have your own way is always far worse than the pain necessitated by following hard after Jesus.

Will try to get some other random posts up this week.

A bit more about the engagement

Work is a little slow this afternoon and I have a few minutes to write a short post. While my mind is wandering here, there, and everywhere, I know that what my few faithful readers really want to hear about is how/when/where Jon popped the question.

First, it must be said that Jon is not a quick mover. While I had decided only a couple of months into our relationship that I wanted to marry him, he took his time considering all the implications. By the time we headed to Sarasota to spend my 30th birthday with my dear friend TulipGirl and her family, I thought he might be considering proposing. We had talked about marriage and we were in a mentoring relationship with a married couple--Ken and Sue--and were reading the book Sacred Marriage with them.

Good signs of a possible proposal flitted across the horizon, but considering Jon's methodical (and sometimes procrastinatory) tendencies, I thought it might be possible that he would propose around Christmas or New Years. At that point we would have been dating for 7 months. If you know my family history that definitely qualifies as a LONG-term relationship! For Jon, on the other hand, it was still quick. He has no married siblings and one of his cousins dated his girlfriend for 7 YEARS before they married!

All of this set me up for a bit of an emotional quandry. Everyday Jon was giving me more and more evidence or his strong character, passion for God, brilliant mind, tender heart and hilarious sense of humor. When I imagined someone partnering with me to minister to the body, raise children and impact the world for Christ, no one seemed to fit more perfectly than Jon. He was what I wanted. But I had already learned from long and hard experience that the pain of un-met desire is infinitely easier than the pain of fighting God for something He is unwilling to give.

To be continued….

The ring

This is the ring. Jon picked it out all by himself, although I had tried it on the day before. I told him that I wanted him to choose it, and that I didn't like diamonds. When I saw it I protested that it was too big, but he informed me that I would get used to it... and I have;-) It is a roughly 9 ct amethyst surrounded by a total of 37 teeny-tiny diamonds set in 14kt white gold. Oh, AND he got it 1/2 price! Totally cool!

We have not yet figured out the wedding band thing, but I am thinking I'll go with a plain, rather narrow white gold band because nothing is really going to fit with it.

Engagement pic

My dear brother-in-law Jason took this pic at Thanksgiving and it is one of my favorites! Jon is actually tickling me in an attempt to get me to smile correctly.

More updates coming

My faithful blog readers,

Many apologies for not updating this blog in a timely manner, particularly considering the recent excitement. Perhaps the excitement is my excuse as well as my prod.

On November 8th, 2008 I got engaged to my beloved physicist (hereafter refered to as BP). It was the day after my 30th birthday, in idyllic Sarasota FL and we are both ecstatically excited about this wonderful provision from the Lord. Many more details will be forthcoming about the how, where, and when of the proposal as well as tentative wedding plans.

Thank you for your patience and consideration.

Rebecca

From the Desk of Rebecca: Random Friday Thoughts

Fridays seem to be the best time to collect random tidbits, so here are mine. Like my earlier post, it seems more fun to share those things that have provoked thought, laughter or... as referred to earlier today, lust. Have fun!

Erik Redmond at Irish Calvinist often has interesting or provocative posts, but I really enjoyed his brief reflection on the irony that he spent his single life being macho with his guy friends only to marry and have a woman for a best friend:-)

Good ole JT had another great post that led me to an online PDF about loving God with your heart AND your mind. I am looking forward to exploring this at greater length.

As if I didn't already have enough to read, Practicing Writer pointed me to an online community of readers and writers that looks like it should yield some interesting reads... Maybe I'll even comment if it is worth it...

Some of you know my passion for godly marriage--eventually my own , but mostly the support of marriage-mindedness in singles and marriage-committedness in my married friends. Boundless provides another interesting post about why they are so vocally in support of marriage.

JT had a post earlier on Nichols' book on the Blues and what an African-American pastor thinks of this exploration of a minority view of Christianity. Recently J and I were discussing what it feels like to be a minority when there are a very small number of Christians in a setting where there are systematic thought patterns that keep people from even seeing their prejudice. We discussed how it requires much grace, patience and genuine love to help someone see their faulty thought patterns and systematic beliefs for what they are.

It made me think of those unconscious prejudicial patterns in my own thinking that I rarely see because they seem so natural. I have been repenting daily since then. There is no way around it... my heart harbors prejudices, particularly racial and intellectual ones. Now I am struggling to change those patterns, but I can see it will take a lot of grace and patience on the part of those who are the objects of this prejudice and a great work of the Holy Spirit to redeem my thinking.

That leads me to Parchment and Pen's interesting post on one argument against atheism that may not be very effective.

Finally, I close with my friend April's ode to her beloved father. Her attitude, if not her specific examples could all be spoken about my own father. I don't know what I would do without his love and loving relationship with me. He has taught me much about what a man can be by the grace of God. In addition, my sisters and I experienced some of adventures in the company of April, Stacey and their incorrigible dad:-)

Enjoy the weekend! It should be beautiful weather here in the Chicagoland area, and hopefully good weather for the Marathon. May God be with anyone who thinks running 28 miles is a good thing:-D

From the Desk of Rebecca

http://techbuddy.us/images/womancomputer.jpg

I have gotten in the habit of emailing Jon my favorite blog posts every few days, occasionally wishing I would have bookmarked them so I could go back and read them again. Then I hit upon a wonderful idea: if I write a blog post every time I email him, I'll have them right there:-) I scan a lot of blogs via my RSS feed on google reader, but I only read a few. Here are some that actually were read today!

Jon and I read the first chapter out of Abolition of Man by CS Lewis on our way home from MO over Labor Day and had some lively discussion about worldviews and the training of young minds to be prepared for answering difficult questions. Justin Taylor over at Between Two Worlds posted some links to more interesting dialogue about worldviews here.

Another interesting post from JT concerned adhering to Biblical truth even when you may have emotional disagreement with it. This is not something you hear about very often and is definitely worth thinking about. What do I believe even though it doesn't resonate with me? What do I NOT believe because of the way it makes me feel, rather than because I have a firm conviction that it is not true? It reminds me of some of the conversations that I have had with non-believers and believers alike who don't believe in hell. They just don't think it fits with the idea of a good God.

Finally, any conversation about theology or philosophy eventually leads Jon back to naturalism, which he loathes. My own forays into worldview studies and my interest in philosophy and the understanding of truth was one of the first things Jon loved about me;-) He also finds that sort of conversation very romantic, so I like to make sure it is in good supply! Here was an interesting article on Parchment and Pen that makes a good argument against naturalism's ability to provide a foundation for morality.

There is always more to write, but that will have to wait for another post.

More summer fun...Skydiving!

On our 17th date J thought it would be a great idea to sharing in death-defying feats! I did not actually realize that it was our 17th date, but when one is in a relationship with a math nerd, one should expect these sorts of things;-) It occured to me that it might be a little early in the relationship to be taking these sorts of risks! The following are some pics from his friend Tiffany's cell phone... Of course, neither J, Joel or myself, remembered to bring a camera!

This is us crowded into the very small plane that takes you up. I am sitting directly in front of the blond-haired blue shirted man on the left. His name was Jerry and his was my tandem-master. We were hooked together the whole way down. He has been tandem diving since 1987 and it was a bit like going skydiving with my dad *GRIN* I would HIGHLY recommend him for anyone jumping for the first time. He was very professional and encouraging and made the whole experience more fun! Jerry asked me, at about 7,000 ft and gaining, if I was ready to jump. I told him that it was a little late to ask, and that I could handle anything for a little while, so I wasn't worried. He laughed at my answer, but at least I was honest!
J was the last one off the plane. I was one of the first, after a group who were doing a formation dive, and he mentioned later that when he saw me fall out the door is first thoughts were: "There goes my girlfriend! Will I ever see her again!?" He added that he then felt a compulsion to get out of the plane and on to the ground quickly to find out if I was OK. I thought that was very chivalrous of him:-)This is the view from the plane--which is basically what we saw as we were falling out of the sky. The acceleration at the beginning of the freefall almost made me want to throw-up, but as soon as you hit terminal velocity (125 mph?) all you can feel is the wind. We jumped out at about 12,000ft and did a freefall to 5,500ft when you pull the cord on the chute. We jumped at about 7:30pm and it was just becoming dusk and very beautiful. It is hard to tell that from the pics.
I believe this is actually J in the picture. While I was one of the first ones off the plane, I was one of the last ones on the ground because Jerry showed me how to turn the parachute using the brake straps and I had a lot of fun spinning around in circles!
Here are the 3 totally endorphin-high jumpers. Joel is the tall guy on the left, a friend of J's that I dubbed Eyore almost immediately after our meeting. He is a very nice guy, but he does sound just like Eyore both in tone and commentary!

J was so hopped up after the dive that he acted like he was almost going to jump out of his skin he was so excited. To relieve the pressure he let out very loud hoots at random moments. I thought it was hilarious, but Tiffany was a bit weirded out.

One of the funniest parts was when I walked over to meet J after we had jumped. After squeezing me in a very tight hug he whooped and then looked at me and said, "You look totally hot in that jumpsuit!" (He continually surprises me with what he finds attractive, alluring or sexy. Thankfully, it is usually something that I do not have much control over (my vocabulary or the fact that my hair falls in my eyes) but that is a prominent or natural part of who I am. Very convenient!)

SkyDive Chicago had a heavily discounted rate for your second dive if you paid for it within one week of your initial dive. J and I have both purchased ours, so now we just need to plan our next outing to Ottawa IL.

Some fun times this summer

My friend Andrew was kind enough to download the pics from my camera, shrink them on his computer, and burn them to a cd for me so that I could FINALLY add some to my blog. I am going to be working backwards through some but first up is my own picture of me with the beloved physicist. Unfortunately, life jackets are never flattering:-( and I look like I am attempting the pirate/biker chick look... But otherwise it is quite a good pic. J and I spend A LOT of time smiling and laughing together. It is one of the great joys of our relationship. My good friend Rob and Andrew made up the balance of the crew of a boat we rented from Belmont Harbor and sailed out just in time to catch the Blue Angels buzzing the lake! The day was gorgeous and it was a veritable maze of ships parked outside the harbor mouth. We couldn't have asked for better weather or a more fun time. Being out on the lake always takes my breath away. I am actually considering shelling out the money to take sailing lessons next summer. I've only gone out 3 times this summer, but I wish it could have been more. Sailing, by and large, is still accessible since the fuel is primarily muscle and wind... all renewable resources;-)

Labor Day Weekend

My beloved physicist and I spent the long weekend in MO visiting both of our families. All went exceedingly well, aside from some rather serious sleep deprivation. Lots of love all around! Unfortunately, I forgot to take any pictures. Not surprising, I know, but a bit disappointing. There were quite a few photogenic moments:-)

However, my favorite middle sis did take a few and you can see them (and her delightful commentary) here. Enjoy!

As soon as I can get the memory upgraded on my laptop I will be editing more of my own pics and getting them up here...

Cool stuff: my version

Was wandering around the blogs I like to frequent and came across this post from Random Musings. I always enjoy what she has to say, and her name is Rebecca, so she must be cool ;-) It seems like I wrote just yesterday and it has already been almost 2 weeks... YIKES!

Cool stuff:

• Thunderstorms that crash so loudly they make me jump... even if I have my earphones in.
• Changing the hem on $0.80 pants from the thrift store and having cute office wear.
• A best friend who will sit and listen to me verbally process my relational experience without yawning once.
• Thumb-wrestling with an extremely intelligent man and considering it just as fun as deep conversation.
• The fragrance of clothes fresh from the clothesline.
• Anything that combines mushrooms, spinach and good cheese.
• Standing in front of A Sunday on La Grande Jatte by Georges Seurat with someone who has never seen it before.
• Living over a year without a car.
• Working with interesting people at a job that really only requires 35 hrs a week from me and still pays me a livable wage.

There is always more that could be added. I am hoping to have a book list/review post in a few days. Just finished Chesterton's Orthodoxy and am in the midst of Till We Have Built Jerusalem by Philip Bess.... an interesting collection of essays on New Urbanism and its ties to the sacred. So much to think about (and write about)-- so little time!

Life likes to run away from me

Well, after so much time with no social life, no job and not much to do I am now enjoying getting to know a delightful physicist, working full-time in a challenging non-profit, and have had such a busy social whirl that I am running on a semi-constant state of sleep deprivation. Life is good.

There has been so much to thank God for recently.

• The ability to even have thoughts of gratitude for instance. Anxiety has definitely been higher on the mental to-do list than that.
• Renewed intimacy with God and an insatiable desire for more.
• The sharpening that comes from interacting with other strong Christians.
• Dynamic conversation that blows my mind.
• Longer walks than I've had in a long time.
  
• The opportunity to purchase really cute girl shoes.
• Adventures in moving a stove for my best friend. Go Girl Power!

In all honesty, I can't think of a time in the last few years when it has felt like life is both insanely good, and when I've had to dig so deep into Christ just to know how to think. I am not sure how to take it all. I covet your prayers....

My little sis

Just got a package today from my little sis Em. She was my best friend when I still lived with my parents and we shared so many funny MO experiences, including rapidly driving down curvy country roads singing along to the Shrek soundtrack at the top of our lungs! Life with her is never just a stroll in the park! God has blessed me so much through her and I am so grateful that she took the time out of her day to send me a little reminder of her love. It is hard that she lives far away and we both are grown up and have busy lives. I love her bunches, though, and can't wait until I see her again!

BTW, Mad Madam Mem, I am wearing that sweater today:-)

Thoughts on Hospitality

So, I have decided that everyone deserves a real blog post and here I am go give it to you:-) Domestic issues have been neglected recently, so they are on the menu today. Many of you know that I think hospitality is one of the foremost gifts my family has passed down to me. I grew up with a mother and grandmother who fed the orphan and the widow, who did not hesitate to fill their home with people at every opportunity and considered it a privilege to feed and host family, friends and strangers.This is my Berea "family." Bobby, Brandie, Marlon and Michael spent a lot of time in Sara and my living room/kitchen eating homecooked food, watching movies when our brains had turned to mush and having good (and sometimes even bad) conversation about whatever topic occurred to us at the moment. They brought friends, played games, did homework and made our house their home. Neither Sara nor I would have it any other way. We had the Logan Court Stargazers, and we all piled onto our tiny back deck and watched the sky whenever the weather was good enough to be out. Sometimes it took every blanket in the house to keep us warm, but it was worth it.

Now I live in "the city," which is notorious for its impersonality and loneliness. I would be lying if I said my life has not been touched by those, but the city has also offered me unsurpassed opportunities for hospitality.

First, there are the couchsurfers. This website has been a lot of fun for me and seems to fit well with my travel personality. This past summer I met two very interesting women this way. Stephanie came from Atlanta and just needed a bed for one night before her business trip to the city kicked in for housing. She was a great sport and hung with Sara, Jud and I as we ran around the city with some of Sara's friends who were in town for a few days. The next visitor was Chloe, a beautiful French woman traveling in the US after an extended stay in Canada. She slept on our couch for a week, visiting all over the city. She was neat, gracious and fun to be around. She accompanied Sara, Jud and me to Ravinia and came along to a concert in Millennium Park. Now that she is back in Paris she has invited me to stay on her couch any time I am in that city. Honestly, I can't wait to go back, so this offer makes me really happy!
I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything and I look forward to making more memories this way. As long as I live in Chicago, I don't think it should be too difficult.

But it is more than just hosting strangers. I've watched strangers become friends as we sit around the table eating, laughing and talking. The food is served, the beverages flowing freely and someone brings up the last election, the sermon from Sunday, a recently published novel or a new movie and we are off on the adventure of knowing each other. Hospitality makes all of this possible for even the most cash-strapped of my friends, for whom restaurants, coffee shops or pubs are often out of the question.

I recently read a blog post that lays out some essentials to successful hospitality. I encourage you to read the entire post, from The Purple Cellar, but if you can't, here are some highlights:

The four "rules" of hospitality:

1) Hospitality isn't based on having the "right" house.
2) Hospitality isn't always convenient.
3) Hospitality isn't always comfortable.
4) Hospitality is always about serving others.

Followed by four "habits" that make hospitality happen:

1. Decide to get organized.
2. Alter your attitude about your home.
3. Get fixed with food.
4. Prioritize people.

This isn't exhaustive, and there is A LOT more on the blog post, but I would agree with all of these things. No one I have ever invited into my home, either in Berea or here in Chicago has ever said, "I wish your house was bigger." Or "Don't you think you should be more together before you had us over?" or anything even remotely close. If dinner wasn't perfect we laughed and ate extra dessert. If it was crowded people bumped knees with plates on their laps and talked to someone they hadn't had a chance to meet yet.

Right now I am working to have people in every week. I need to feed people, and I want to make the best use of the time and space God has blessed me with. I've had several of my co-workers over for dinner in the last few weeks, a marriage Bible study with about 20 people meets in my apartment on Sunday afternoons and I have had several dinner parties for various groups of friends in the last 3-4 months. It is great when people who know me, but not each other, sit around a table with some wine or coffee, "happy tummies" and the time to relax and talk. This is where life happens. It wouldn't happen if I didn't open my doors.

Sometimes the dishes don't get done right away. Sometimes my grocery bill almost makes me dizzy. Sometimes I am rushing to wipe down the bathroom 20 minutes before people arrive. But it is always worth it.

If you don't practice some form of hospitality, whether you are single, married or have a family, you need to start now. It is never too early or too late. There are lots of Bible verses and experiences that I could throw at you, but I don't have the time or the inclination. If you don't want to take my word for it, check out these two books: Open Heart, Open Home by Karen Burton Maines and Hospitality Commands by Alexander Strauch. Both are firmly grounded in the Bible and are practical as well as theoretical.

But I must bring this to a close so I can get things ready for Sara, my delightful, albeit stressed-out roommate who deserves my hospitality more than anyone else right now.

What do you think of all this?

My inspiration

Some of you personally know my beloved sister Amy and her husband Daniel, and others only by hearsay. Whether I've gushed over them or not in your presence I do want to take this moment to congratulate them. Yesterday was their 8th wedding anniversary! I know it is not easy to be married (let alone be married with children) in this day and age. Not only has their marriage grown and flourished, but so has their family. Please check out Amy's post and pass on your congratulations for all of their hard work and love!

For the very few people in my life who may not have heard this already: Daniel is single-handedly responsible for restoring my faith in marriage. Watching his love for my sister and the passion and joy they bring to each others' lives has shored up my hope that there are still good men out there. Daniel, barring Dad, you are the greatest example of a loving husband and father that I have in my life! Thanks for your faithfulness!

A few important things

First, I am feeling like a total idiot. I just realized that I never posted the fabulous New Year's News of 1620 S Michigan: Sara and Jud are engaged! They are planning a small family wedding on Tybee Island, Ga for the second weekend in April. I will be her sole attendant. It will be the 7th time I have stood up in a wedding, but my first time as the maid of honor. Sara will be wearing this dress and I will be wearing this dress in the brown pictured. (Sorry I couldn't just drop in the images.) I will do my best to get some real pictures up here when the time comes. My friend Ewa from church will be flying down with his wife to take the pictures. You can see some of his work on his website. I personally think he is amazing.

Second, this changing of relationships necessitated that I find a new place to live. I love our apartment here in the south loop and it has been a great place for Sara and I to make a home, but even with a new roommate it is just too expensive. I was praying hard for a good situation, since who you live with can make or break your desire to go home. Enter my friend Dr. Rosie de Rosset of Moody Bible Institute. We had dinner about 2 weeks ago and she mentioned she had an old student who needed a roommate and she thought we could be a good fit. A few questions later she promised to pass on my number.

Beth and I had lunch last Sunday and it went really well. Her apartment is in Lincoln Square, north and west of the loop, but it is large, she has great landlords, it is close to public transportation and, best of all, the rent would be almost half what I am currently paying. Tonight I went and looked at the apartment and neighborhood and Beth and I decided that it would be a go. I will be permanently relocating to 2505 W Gunnison June 1st, but possibly earlier if our landlord finds a new tenant for Sara's and my place. This has been a marvelous provision from the Lord and I am extremely grateful. I will post pictures as soon as they are available.

Third, I am in the midst of applying to English and Liberal Studies programs at various grad schools in the area. I am more hopeful this time around. I should find out mid-spring if I have been accepted with the intention to start in the Fall. In the event that I will be in grad school in the fall, I will be looking for full-time administrative work instead of teaching. This will allow me to get benefits and regular hours in a less stressful environment. Thankfully, most of the programs that I have applied to have afternoon/evening classes because they expect that most of their students work while pursuing graduate study.

Finally, I have accepted the position of leader of the Welcome Team at my church. It is a great fit with my personality and gifts and I am excited at the possibilities. It also involves quite a bit of organizing, as well as being warm and cheerful. I am enjoying the opportunity to help build my community. Cityview is a wonderful church and I love being involved with them. Being part of an urban church plant has its ups, downs, and interesting situations but I couldn't ask for a better church family. The Lord has been so gracious to me it just blows my mind!

The Importance of Old Books

I am still pondering on the C S Lewis quote. The primary motivator, as I mentioned in my last post, was the book "The Art of Loving God" by St. Francis de Sales. My grandfather gave it to me in May shortly before Sara and I moved to Chicago. He reads a great deal of the church fathers and tentatively offered his copy, not wanting me to feel he was "pushing" his Catholicism. The book sat on my shelf for months while I considered picking it up and adding it to the lineup.

Earlier this month I had a shouting moment with God. Life was just too hard, my loneliness too overwhelming, responsibility draining my energy and joy about the future. Reading "Revelations of a Single Woman" earlier in the fall was an incredible encouragement. Here was a book written by a woman in my situation with insights and encouragement to not give up hope. The thing was, there was something missing. My miserableness did not abate and no matter what I did, my obsessive thinking patterns were not changing. I wanted to love God more so that whether or not I was feeling loved enough by those around me, it would not rule my emotions or my ability to function.

I've read so many relationship books, so many "how to have a better life" books that I should know how to do this. My problem is that I know so much, but my mind and emotions have such a disconnect in my daily life that the knowing doesn't really make it into my living.

Enter the "old" book.

One of the major issues that I have with modern books (and praise and worship songs, and sermons, and self-help guides) is that the focus is all about me in bold letters and sometimes even in all caps. Life is better than I think. I need to make better decisions, meet new people or serve more. I should take heart, or take control, or just take a break. What I do matters most, has the greatest influence and makes the biggest difference.

But I belong to the God of the universe, and he has told me more times than I can count that I am NOT the center of that universe. So why is it all about me?

St Francis de Sales, writing circa 1610 to women who were unable to dedicate themselves to full-time seclusion but still wanting to live completely dedicated to God, takes a very practical, realistic view of loving God. What is the first step to loving God: Have confidence in God's mercy. Beginning with the acknowledgment of my own failure, sinfulness and imperfection, I still act, confident in the sacrifice of Christ to make everything right. Whether you feel it or not, whether you know it in your heart is of far less important than what you chose to do:

"Act confidently regardless of your feelings And even if you do not feel such confidence, you must still not fail to make acts of confidence, saying to our Lord, "Although, dear Lord, I have no feeling of confidence in Thee, I know all the same that Thou art my God, that I am wholly Thine, and that I have no hope but in Thy goodness; therefore I abandon myself entirely into They hands." It is always in our power to make these acts, although there may be difficulty, there is never impossibility. It is on these occasions and amid these difficulties that we ought to show fidelity to our Lord. For although we may make these acts without fervor and without satisfaction to ourselves, we must not distress ourselves about that; our Lord loves them better thus."(8)

You mean it is not about how I feel about it? My personal satisfaction in my actions is not the highest judgment of their value? Where is the joy in that?

It only gets better! The next step in loving God: Embrace God's will with equanimity. Now this is something that is preached all the time for various reasons.... If I love the life that God has given me, he will finally send me a husband, give me the child that I need so desperately, make clear the path to happiness. Like Magic, acceptance of God's will leads directly to satisfied hopes and sated desires. de Sales, on the other hand, makes it clear that embracing God's will is not about feeling, and it is not about personal satisfaction. It is all about God.

"Rely on God's goodness, not on your feelings Our confidence in God must be founded on His infinite goodness and on the merits of the Passion and death of our Lord Jesus Christ, with this condition on our part: that we should persevere and recognize in ourselves an entire and firm resolution to belong wholly to God, and to abandon ourselves in all things and without any reserve to His Providence. Observe that I do not say what we must feel this resolution to belong wholly to God, but only that we must have it and recognize it in ourselves; we must not concern ourselves with what we feel or do not feel, since the greater part of our feelings and satisfaction are only the movements of self-love."(22)

When was the last time that I was told, by a Christian or secular author that feeling was less important than doing? Or, as de Sales goes even farther, that my feelings are so much less about what God is doing or saying in my life and so much more about "self-love"? I could go on and on, but I will draw my quoting to a close here.

There is a bit of the stoic about de Sales, and I am not much of a stoic and have never wanted to be one. But I needed the reminder of two very important points: first, the issue is all about God, recognizing who he is and trusting myself to him, and second, what really matters are the choices I make and what is happening in my will, regardless of how I feel about it. I may not feel like God loves me very much when he leaves me days without physical affection, but that isn't true. He looked down at my misery in sin and joyfully sacrificed his Son to satisfy his perfect justice and reveal his perfect love. This is ALWAYS true, regardless of how I feel.

Not only that... When I choose to submit, choose to love and choose to look to him rather than at the circumstances swirling around and within me, he loves me and holds me. It is true and every choice that I make either undercuts or reinforces that weight of truth in my daily life.

I am still shouting at God--sometimes accompanied by crying and pummeling pillows or just obsessive-thinking induced insomnia--but I calm down, the hiccups lessen and my heart finds rest when I choose to look at him, rather then the swirl of emotion that threatens to overwhelm me. I will never be a calm person without supernatural inner peace. It just isn't part of my make-up. But Galatians says that peace is a fruit of the Spirit and it will come as I live submitted to that Spirit.

So what does this mean? The old books must be read. They come from a time when the individual wasn't the center of life and much of life was just hard and you dealt with it. And they also come from a time when God was big, and omnipotent, not just a personal security blanket. I love my passionate relationship with God, but it could benefit from some awe, and, well, some daily living in the eternal reality of who God is.

But this has run far too long and I feel like I haven't said a sliver of what is really on my heart. Oh well, c'est la vie:-)

another great post

I seem to be generating NO original thoughts here lately, but I have been reading quite a few. Amy loves books has another great, poetic one that I envy exceedingly. It reminds me a little of one of my best friends and I thought I would share it with all of you. Enjoy!

BTW, the pic makes sense if you read the post;-)

Ministry in the City

I have been thinking a lot about urban ministry, especially since I am part of an urban church plant, working at what could be considered an inner-city school (although it doesn't carry the negative connotations of that name) and volunteer with a few urban ministries including Sunshine Gospel Ministries and GRIP. This thinking has involved a lot of wrestling.

Tomorrow I turn 29 and I have no idea how my life is going to look in the next year. This is not what I imagined for myself 10 years ago. I would have never guessed that I would be living smack in the middle of Chicago with a delightful roommate, no romantic interest, several part-time jobs, and a wonderful church. It is a beautiful life, all told, but often trying and never easy. When I think I have reached the end of my tether, and the idea of living a "safe" suburban life seems irresistible, God brings another encouragement to keep hanging on. The most recent form this encouragement took was a sermon by Joel Hamernick at my church last Sunday. If you want to hear it in full, you can listen here. If you just want to see the main points you can check out Joel's blog post here.

All in all, what seems to keep coming up is this:

• My heart for missions and cross-cultural exchange has never dampened in the last 10 years or more, but the focus has definitely shifted several times.
  
• There is no doubt in my mind that living and working in Chicago is a cross-cultural situation.
• The need for the Gospel in Chicago and other American urban areas is just as great as any foreign need that I have seen or heard of.
• God has strongly impressed on my heart that I need to put my roots down deep in Chicago, regardless of how long my life here may be.

How this will work out in my daily life is beyond me. Some days it terrifies me and others it seems totally reasonable and right. I just wish that I wasn't doing it alone. Sara is a fabulous roommate, but as her relationship with Jud gets more serious, I realize that I cannot count on her companionship for the long haul. This brings up questions about possibly finding a new roommate, moving to a lower-income neighborhood? and what to do about being so decidedly single. If God is really calling me to go deep in Chicago and I take that seriously, I need a man who is committed to the city as well. Am I asking too much? Good men in general seem in short supply, so putting such specific provisos on a match seems almost ridiculous.

And of course, the most disturbing thoughts then role in and they all seem to revolve around that perennially difficult question: Does God want to keep me for himself? Is the best life that he could give me one that does not include a husband and family? Some days I think that would be difficult but amazing. Other days, it sounds like the worst torture possible! Most days, my feelings are somewhere in between.

Any thoughts on this? I always appreciate the insights of my friends and family. And you can always remind me of what Sara says all the time "You just think about these things too much!"