wishing for international travel

path outside Pluscarden Abbey, Northern Scotland

It is now officially over a year since the last time I was out of the country.  Sara and I traveled for 8 days to Scotland with a brief stop in Copenhagen in Oct/Nov of 2010.  It was one of the best vacations of my adult life.  I really think I could live in Edinburgh for the rest of my natural life (and I am still trying to figure out how I could swing a PhD there....)  One of the things I love about the British Isles is their commitment to walking holidays.  I grew up in the land of roadtrips and I treasure the hours, days, and occasional weeks the my family spent on the road exploring the glories of these United States.  Walking across the US is something only a very few ever even think of attempting.  But in Scotland or England, it is entirely doable in 2 or 3 weeks.

Which brings me to my current timewaster--researching walking trips in Scotland.  I've mentioned before how much I love walking and hiking.  Often it seems the perfect antidote to my monkey mind.  Today I wandered around cyberland looking at options and found a fun website that outlines some of the best walking trips in that lovely and rugged country.

The plan, currently, is to plan one of these trips, possibly the Coast to Coast route, to celebrate the completion of my MA (estimated May 2013).  That gives us more than enough time to get more fit and to do some shorter hikes here in the US.  This makes me VERY EXCITED!  

Until that day, I am going to have to satisfy my wanderlust with more local travel and look for other opportunities that the Lord may be opening up.  It is a little easier to wait with something like this on the horizon.

New use for the blog?

So, I have not updated this blog in a VERY LONG time. I've been using Facebook for the majority of tasks that I've used this blog for in the past, so it has stood neglected. However, a new use has suddenly come to the fore: scholarship applications.

There are several scholarships that ask that you post on your blog and link back as part of the application process. As I navigate this somewhat tortuous path through grad school I am seeking to be the best steward possible of my time and finances. That means applying for any and all scholarships that cross my horizon and fit my goals and purpose.

To that end, I may be posting some pretty random posts over the next couple months. Since I seem to still have a couple of faithful readers, I will try to include some with actual life content as well in thanks for your continued readership.

Quick update:

I am currently in the MA English Literature program at Northeastern Illinois University. I started this fall and hope to finish the program in May 2013. I am currently taking two classes and working full-time at my current job, but plan to move to working part-time in January so that I can take a full course load for the remaining 3 semesters. While NEIU is small state school only 4 miles from my apartment, the professors in the program are energetic, young, and interested in changing the way English graduate work is done. This makes the program more interesting and challenges my own growth as a scholar in fruitful ways.

I owe a deep debt of gratitude to Sara Rhatican Gambill for all the support that she is offering me during this process. We have now lived together for the better part of 6 years and she is unfailingly gracious and generous with her time and energy to help make this a success. Over the last 12-14 months we have worked very diligently to pay off all of our debt and I am proud to say that by October 31st we will be entirely debt free! We aren't sure about the grand total yet, but it looks like we have paid off approx. $20,000 of credit card, school loan, and person loan debt. God has really shown up as we have sought to be good stewards. He has allowed us to increase our giving and still quickly advance out of debt.

Because of this move out of indebtedness, Sara has arranged our budget so that my full-time income is not necessary to keep our household afloat. As long as I can fund my education without debt and put aside my part-time income for savings, she is willing to use her full-time income to cover our household expenses. To keep up my end of the bargain I am energetically in pursuit of scholarship funds and looking for the best part-time work situation for our household. I know that God will provide exactly what we need when we need it which makes this both exhilarating and sometimes terrifying.

The path that lies before me pretty much looks like this. I can see only a little way ahead and sometimes the branches seem to be blocking the way. The long-term plan is a PhD in English or Comparative Literature and a full-time professorate at a college or university, preferable in the Appalachian region of Ohio, Kentucky, North Carolina, Western Virginia, Tennessee, etc. I am acutely aware that that dream is impossible on my own strength. However, I can see God's hand all over the path that has brought me this far, so I am earnestly seeking to just rest in Christ and trust that when the need is there, so will His provision be.

Please feel free to comment or email me if you have an questions. I realize that some of you are more up to date about life because you are friends with me on facebook, but some of you don't do the facebook thing :-)

Sorry for the delay #2

Life has been very intense since the new year rolled in. Jon and I are doing much praying and seeking the will of God for the future, so it is difficult to write our story right now. Your prayers are appreciated and what I said earlier still stands: the pain of trying to have your own way is always far worse than the pain necessitated by following hard after Jesus.

Will try to get some other random posts up this week.

Extreme Bible lust!

I am again in the throes of extreme Bible lust (see Websters 1828 dictionary definition here). It is definitely an "inordinate desire." On several blogs that I subscribe to there have been mentions of the new ESV study Bible's imminent release. Today, at least twice already, I have heard that Westminster books has some in stock and ready to ship. Their prices are the best by far--40% off the price of the premium calfskin and the leather bound version. I want to go buy one for myself, but that is not in the current budget. Besides, my birthday is exactly 4 weeks from today, so I should wait at least until then to buy it. Who knows, someone may be prompted to get one for me, or there may be birthday cash best devoted to this sort of purchase.

A new Bible is not the only book on my list. After many promptings from my dear friend TulipGirl, I am also desiring a copy of Grudem's Systematic Theology. They have it at Westminster Books, but it is also on my Amazon wishlist. Never one to pass up on a little light reading, it seems like an ideal bedside companion. As I grow in my faith I see a greater and greater need to have a firm grounding in Biblical theology. I need to chew and savor...

Note: I recently split my wishlists on Amazon--one is of books that I want to purchase and the other is for books I want to read/get from the library. They are often completely different types of books:-)

Edit: TulipGirl reminded me that it was actually Berkof's Systematic Theology that she recommended.... So now that has been added to the wishlist as well! Don't know who it was that recommended Grudem...

Yippee!!!

I just found out that I have been accepted into the Roosevelt University English MA program! Just waiting to hear from 4 more programs and then I have to decide what I am going to do and how I am going to do it!

The Importance of Old Books

I am still pondering on the C S Lewis quote. The primary motivator, as I mentioned in my last post, was the book "The Art of Loving God" by St. Francis de Sales. My grandfather gave it to me in May shortly before Sara and I moved to Chicago. He reads a great deal of the church fathers and tentatively offered his copy, not wanting me to feel he was "pushing" his Catholicism. The book sat on my shelf for months while I considered picking it up and adding it to the lineup.

Earlier this month I had a shouting moment with God. Life was just too hard, my loneliness too overwhelming, responsibility draining my energy and joy about the future. Reading "Revelations of a Single Woman" earlier in the fall was an incredible encouragement. Here was a book written by a woman in my situation with insights and encouragement to not give up hope. The thing was, there was something missing. My miserableness did not abate and no matter what I did, my obsessive thinking patterns were not changing. I wanted to love God more so that whether or not I was feeling loved enough by those around me, it would not rule my emotions or my ability to function.

I've read so many relationship books, so many "how to have a better life" books that I should know how to do this. My problem is that I know so much, but my mind and emotions have such a disconnect in my daily life that the knowing doesn't really make it into my living.

Enter the "old" book.

One of the major issues that I have with modern books (and praise and worship songs, and sermons, and self-help guides) is that the focus is all about me in bold letters and sometimes even in all caps. Life is better than I think. I need to make better decisions, meet new people or serve more. I should take heart, or take control, or just take a break. What I do matters most, has the greatest influence and makes the biggest difference.

But I belong to the God of the universe, and he has told me more times than I can count that I am NOT the center of that universe. So why is it all about me?

St Francis de Sales, writing circa 1610 to women who were unable to dedicate themselves to full-time seclusion but still wanting to live completely dedicated to God, takes a very practical, realistic view of loving God. What is the first step to loving God: Have confidence in God's mercy. Beginning with the acknowledgment of my own failure, sinfulness and imperfection, I still act, confident in the sacrifice of Christ to make everything right. Whether you feel it or not, whether you know it in your heart is of far less important than what you chose to do:

"Act confidently regardless of your feelings And even if you do not feel such confidence, you must still not fail to make acts of confidence, saying to our Lord, "Although, dear Lord, I have no feeling of confidence in Thee, I know all the same that Thou art my God, that I am wholly Thine, and that I have no hope but in Thy goodness; therefore I abandon myself entirely into They hands." It is always in our power to make these acts, although there may be difficulty, there is never impossibility. It is on these occasions and amid these difficulties that we ought to show fidelity to our Lord. For although we may make these acts without fervor and without satisfaction to ourselves, we must not distress ourselves about that; our Lord loves them better thus."(8)

You mean it is not about how I feel about it? My personal satisfaction in my actions is not the highest judgment of their value? Where is the joy in that?

It only gets better! The next step in loving God: Embrace God's will with equanimity. Now this is something that is preached all the time for various reasons.... If I love the life that God has given me, he will finally send me a husband, give me the child that I need so desperately, make clear the path to happiness. Like Magic, acceptance of God's will leads directly to satisfied hopes and sated desires. de Sales, on the other hand, makes it clear that embracing God's will is not about feeling, and it is not about personal satisfaction. It is all about God.

"Rely on God's goodness, not on your feelings Our confidence in God must be founded on His infinite goodness and on the merits of the Passion and death of our Lord Jesus Christ, with this condition on our part: that we should persevere and recognize in ourselves an entire and firm resolution to belong wholly to God, and to abandon ourselves in all things and without any reserve to His Providence. Observe that I do not say what we must feel this resolution to belong wholly to God, but only that we must have it and recognize it in ourselves; we must not concern ourselves with what we feel or do not feel, since the greater part of our feelings and satisfaction are only the movements of self-love."(22)

When was the last time that I was told, by a Christian or secular author that feeling was less important than doing? Or, as de Sales goes even farther, that my feelings are so much less about what God is doing or saying in my life and so much more about "self-love"? I could go on and on, but I will draw my quoting to a close here.

There is a bit of the stoic about de Sales, and I am not much of a stoic and have never wanted to be one. But I needed the reminder of two very important points: first, the issue is all about God, recognizing who he is and trusting myself to him, and second, what really matters are the choices I make and what is happening in my will, regardless of how I feel about it. I may not feel like God loves me very much when he leaves me days without physical affection, but that isn't true. He looked down at my misery in sin and joyfully sacrificed his Son to satisfy his perfect justice and reveal his perfect love. This is ALWAYS true, regardless of how I feel.

Not only that... When I choose to submit, choose to love and choose to look to him rather than at the circumstances swirling around and within me, he loves me and holds me. It is true and every choice that I make either undercuts or reinforces that weight of truth in my daily life.

I am still shouting at God--sometimes accompanied by crying and pummeling pillows or just obsessive-thinking induced insomnia--but I calm down, the hiccups lessen and my heart finds rest when I choose to look at him, rather then the swirl of emotion that threatens to overwhelm me. I will never be a calm person without supernatural inner peace. It just isn't part of my make-up. But Galatians says that peace is a fruit of the Spirit and it will come as I live submitted to that Spirit.

So what does this mean? The old books must be read. They come from a time when the individual wasn't the center of life and much of life was just hard and you dealt with it. And they also come from a time when God was big, and omnipotent, not just a personal security blanket. I love my passionate relationship with God, but it could benefit from some awe, and, well, some daily living in the eternal reality of who God is.

But this has run far too long and I feel like I haven't said a sliver of what is really on my heart. Oh well, c'est la vie:-)

A post worth reading, and more on the craziness that is my life

First, I want to point you again in the direction of Solo Femininity. Carolyn's most recent post addresses the issue of being single and alone, but closes with a reminder that I needed: As single people, we often choose to be alone. There is no merit in refusing to reach out again. Especially in this holiday season, remember why God gave you a home and reach out to someone less fortunate than yourself. If you have a moment, even if you are not single, I encourage you to check out this post.

Second, tomorrow I go for a day-long interview with Teach For America at the UIC campus. I will be there from 9:00 am to 6:00pm. This is where they decide if I am TFA material or not. I am a little nervous, but more about the possibility of teaching with TFA than going through the interview. I am confident that I have the strengths and abilities to be successful in their program. However, I am unsure what God has for me. Right now, I would prefer to get a job with Perspectives as a full-time teacher. (BTW, I did fill out a general application for them today.) Please pray for me that I will have patience and discernment as I seek God's will in this.

Finally, I want to remind you all to celebrate this Advent season with joy! We are the recipients of the most AWESOME love you could imagine: the perfect God of the Universe chose to humble himself and become human, to suffer and die to satisfy his perfect justice, so that we could have eternal intimacy with him. It just doesn't get any better than that!

Ministry in the City

I have been thinking a lot about urban ministry, especially since I am part of an urban church plant, working at what could be considered an inner-city school (although it doesn't carry the negative connotations of that name) and volunteer with a few urban ministries including Sunshine Gospel Ministries and GRIP. This thinking has involved a lot of wrestling.

Tomorrow I turn 29 and I have no idea how my life is going to look in the next year. This is not what I imagined for myself 10 years ago. I would have never guessed that I would be living smack in the middle of Chicago with a delightful roommate, no romantic interest, several part-time jobs, and a wonderful church. It is a beautiful life, all told, but often trying and never easy. When I think I have reached the end of my tether, and the idea of living a "safe" suburban life seems irresistible, God brings another encouragement to keep hanging on. The most recent form this encouragement took was a sermon by Joel Hamernick at my church last Sunday. If you want to hear it in full, you can listen here. If you just want to see the main points you can check out Joel's blog post here.

All in all, what seems to keep coming up is this:

• My heart for missions and cross-cultural exchange has never dampened in the last 10 years or more, but the focus has definitely shifted several times.
  
• There is no doubt in my mind that living and working in Chicago is a cross-cultural situation.
• The need for the Gospel in Chicago and other American urban areas is just as great as any foreign need that I have seen or heard of.
• God has strongly impressed on my heart that I need to put my roots down deep in Chicago, regardless of how long my life here may be.

How this will work out in my daily life is beyond me. Some days it terrifies me and others it seems totally reasonable and right. I just wish that I wasn't doing it alone. Sara is a fabulous roommate, but as her relationship with Jud gets more serious, I realize that I cannot count on her companionship for the long haul. This brings up questions about possibly finding a new roommate, moving to a lower-income neighborhood? and what to do about being so decidedly single. If God is really calling me to go deep in Chicago and I take that seriously, I need a man who is committed to the city as well. Am I asking too much? Good men in general seem in short supply, so putting such specific provisos on a match seems almost ridiculous.

And of course, the most disturbing thoughts then role in and they all seem to revolve around that perennially difficult question: Does God want to keep me for himself? Is the best life that he could give me one that does not include a husband and family? Some days I think that would be difficult but amazing. Other days, it sounds like the worst torture possible! Most days, my feelings are somewhere in between.

Any thoughts on this? I always appreciate the insights of my friends and family. And you can always remind me of what Sara says all the time "You just think about these things too much!"

A new book, with more on the way

As I rapidly approach my 29th birthday, I wanted to post briefly about a book that I just finished: Revelations of a Single Woman, loving the life i didn't expect by Connally Gilliam. First of all, this is the best book, hands down, that I have read about being single and over 25. Gilliam repeatedly talks about "unintentional singleness," a distinction that I think is very important. She is not addressing people who are choosing to forgo marriage and family for career or personal reasons. Her writing is for those who long to be married but still find themselves single. She herself is in her mid to late-thirties with many friends and acquaintances in similar situations. Her writing is accessible to Christians and non-Christians alike, although she does not mince words when she talks about ultimate fulfillment in Christ.

In the next few days (maybe weeks?) I am going to go through chapter by chapter with some commentary and analysis. I think the discipline is good for me, and it will help me to digest more effectively what I have read. Today I just wanted to let you know that book exists and to HEARTILY recommend it to anyone who is unintentionally single (men could benefit from this book as well, I believe) or who has a daughter (or son) who is in this place in life. I am going to pass my copy on to my parents when they come and visit next week. If you do read it, or someone you know has or is reading it, please point them to this blog. I would welcome their voices in the conversation.

Now I must return to my sewing or I won't have my rent for next month:-)

On my mind

So, I am coming to see more and more that Sara is right. I am compulsive, obsessive and it is all in my head.

I started looking into Master's Degree programs in Chicago. People who love me or like me, know me well or have known me for a little while are all saying things like "Why not? Maybe you just needed to learn something by the first round of refusals. You are obviously good at this and have a heart for teaching." But graduate work in any form is still daunting and TIME CONSUMING. I will be 29 next month, no possibility of starting before I am 30 and then it is 5 yrs at best to a PhD. Ugh.

And I am teaching high schoolers and feeling the tug. There is such a huge need for teachers and I am good at it. Even my most problem students seem willing to work a lot of the time and I don't get too much back talk from them. But high schoolers are hormonal and difficult. And if I really want to teach full-time I should go for a MA in education with certification. There is slim chance I could slide into a full-time position at Perspectives if one opened up, it was a good fit, and they wanted to hire me. So even staying at the High School level may require a return to school.

The only good thing to come out of all of this: I am firmly convinced that teaching is where the Lord has called me, so it is just a matter of discerning where and how.

If only I could stop thinking about it.....

The most recent update

Tuesday Sara and I began our apartment hunt. We found an interesting prospect in an interesting neighborhood, but I don’t think the agent thought we were serious. When I called her back for specifics and asked to see the property again Wednesday, she suddenly became much more helpful. I didn’t know that we would take the apartment, but it has everything that we said we wanted: small bedrooms, large shared living space, large windows, interesting neighborhood, room for a studio/office, close to public transportation, and rent that is mostly within our range. Next step was to see how the utilities ran and if the space really was adequate for our needs. Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately?), the place rented yesterday and we are left to look again.

In this whole process I struggle more than Sara in making the decision. Rent is a big obligation and I don’t want to make any hasty choices. I would like to see more properties, but in the end, I know it is highly likely that we will take something that we saw early in our search. That is how it usually goes:-P

Yesterday I am met with Dr. Pamela Caughie, head of the Loyola English Graduate Studies Department. It didn't result in any better chance of getting in, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity, since we stayed less than .5 miles from the Loyola campus with our friend Dr. Rosie de Rosset. Rosie has been a fabulous blessing to us and there is no way to ever truly thank her for her hospitality and encouragement. Still single at 58, she is a testament to hope and dealing gracefully with the realities of life. She makes life-long singleness seem possible when it is everything that I can do to make it through another day!

But, another word about Loyola--as of now I am not accepted and even a recommendation from the English graduate studies department would only result in a possible chance at the waiting list. So, no grad school for me this year:-( I am not sure exactly what that means.... God must know something that I do not.

Waiting, and the pressure mounts

More news has arrived on the school front. I received a letter from The University of Chicago stating that I was not accepted into their PhD program. That was a big disappointment. While I was pretty sure the Northwestern would not accept me, I believed that I had more of a chance at U of C. With just two more Chicago options left, I am starting to feel a bit antsy. The possibility that I may not get into graduate school now has to be considered. What will I do if I am living in Chicago without graduate school shaping my days? Where would I work? What would I pursue? Obviously, I may still get into grad school at Loyola or UIC. These other ideas may be unnecessary, but I don’t like being caught unaware.

All this waiting is not getting easier, but I am learning that it is absolutely undeniable that God is in control and that I can’t do anything to make my future happen. I have to just trust and do the next thing. What is the next thing right now? Find a way to serve this community that I am living in for only a short time. I am going to look for some drop in tutoring centers or something like that. I have not wanted to get too involved in a place that I am planning on leaving in 2 months, but now I realize that I don’t know what God’s timetable is, and so I can’t say that theses people here are not worth investing in. We shall see how that works out.

A bit of a reprieve from waiting...

Today I heard from Northwestern University. I have not been accepted into their PhD program. I am not surprised.... They only make offers to 12% of their applicants and I didn't have perfect grades or a perfect GRE score. And I am not too disappointed.... That was not my first choice and my roommate was pretty adamant about not living in Evanston. So, that leaves Loyola, UIC, U of C and Baylor. We will have to see how this unfolds.

In the meantime, I received my first paycheck today. Not a ton of money, but I get paid weekly and I was able to make a payment on my VISA and still have money left over to tithe and save for Chicago. I don't know when I will actually have some disposable income again, but it is nice to at least have some money coming in.

The lovely Sara is ready to go, so this post must draw to an end. Now I am just waiting to hear from the rest of the schools, to save money to move, to find an apartment, to get a wonderful husband, to live happily ever after with some cute and overly-energetic children, and finally get to Africa..... not as much waiting as it could be;-)

Encouragement for singles....

I do realize that most of you reading my blog are not single, so this does not necessarily apply to you. However, you all have single friend(s) , well, at least you have me, and this might give you a bit of insight into what life is like for a single person.

Please do check out this blog. She is excellent at encouragement, and fun as well. So, without further ado, click here to read more by Carolyn.

Waiting, in a different vein

Today I woke up in a hotel room in Bloomington IL 45 miles from home because waiting is a lesson that I seem to never really learn. Sara and I had driven 9 hours to cover distance normally done in 3, because driving slowly through a blizzard seemed like a better idea than waiting out the snow in Waukegan.

God works in wonderful ways! It is unfortunate that I am so slow to listen to him:-)

We had a slight mishap on the road ending in the ditch. All things personal and mechanical were fine and the adrenaline rush was incredible. The State Police arrived in record time and both officers were young, good-looking and friendly. The hotel had free wireless and my parents' were not at all upset. You couldn't ask for better circumstances to be stranded.

Even when I had everything that I wanted, minus my own bed and shower, right at my fingertips, I still wanted more. I wanted more people to email me. I wanted certain conversations to happen more quickly and with more quality responses. I wanted something to eat and something to drink that would satisfy my particular appetites of the moment.

Waiting... I want to know the joy of satisfaction that accepts the gifts of the moment yet still lives in anticipation of the future. How can I find that balance? Any suggestions?

Waiting

This blog is not coming along as I hoped. I want it to be a place where some actually thinking, in writing, happens. However, I feel like it is more likely to become some sort of Day-Timer/diary/group letter-type receptacle that never gets any deeper than my last appointment. Have to do something about that now while I still can.

Trouble is there is not much time for typing in my life. This blog requires not only thinking, but also a record of those thoughts in some coherent fashion that can be negotiated by my important, albeit small, group of readers. I am a writer, an artist, and an individual. This blog should not happen if I don’t have anything to say. I am learning, however, that it is not only having something to say, but also the means and opportunity to say it.

Obviously, life changes have been a major thought on my mind lately. Money has become important, and therefore finding gainful employment has become an issue. But finding a job while one is traveling around marshalling ones possessions from several states and depositing them all in a single location is not an easy prospect. Every decision is contingent on some other decision and each one requires gathering information, talking to involved parties, and then negotiating results that satisfy everyone involved. And sometimes the information is not available, or the people are not willing or able to conversate. This is frustrating.

I want to know where I am going to go to graduate school, how much money they are going to offer me, where I am going to live, and when I am going to take up residence there. I don’t want to live in another temporary situation. I don’t want to try to explain what I don’t know to someone who doesn’t understand and who doesn’t need an answer. Most of all, I don’t want to wait. But waiting seems to be the way of life for now.

Waiting—that is probably the biggest issue right now—and it has been an issue my entire life. How does one live a life of active productive waiting? I have been waiting for one or more life-defining variable for my entire existence. Waiting for an experience, an award, a relationship, an accomplishment… and as soon as it arrives in my possession, I look for the next.

Waiting has always seemed to be a passive activity to me. One waits for the doctor, for the repairman, for the next cashier. One waits for the mail, for the water to boil, for the next train. If you have the resources, you may be able to conduct some business, talk to a friend, or read a book. But that time never seems to be very productive and it is usually resented. I have productively used wait time, as well as fussed and fumed. Is that enough? And what if the wait isn’t just a few minutes or hours of the day, but an entire lifetime?

In the inside of my Bible is a quote from Willa Cather that says, “The end is nothing, the road is all.” It has been on that page for 5-10 years, almost as long as I have owned the Bible, I believe. I collect quotes about traveling, roads, and other like topics and I don’t remember how it got there. Did I write it as an intentional reminder? Did it end of there because I didn’t have any other place to write it when I first found it? What did I think it meant when I wrote it? Did I even think about the implications?

The reality is that Will Cather’s sentiment is echoed by Christians throughout time. There is a lot of lip service given to the idea that God doesn’t care about the finished “me” because that whole idea is spurious. Instead, the focus is on my sanctification—the relationship that is growing between God and me as I come to understand who He is and what is important to Him, the growth in grace that comes as the Holy Spirit conforms me to the image of Christ. It is a never-ending process and I have to learn to appreciate the present moment of grace or I will live in a state of permanent dissatisfaction.

How does this relate to waiting? There are many simplistic answers, but I feel like this deserves some more serious reflection with some real-life application. I need it, and I am sure that those that I love that are reading this blog wouldn’t mind hearing how it develops. Besides, I need to see how some real thinkers have weighed in on this question, or my discussion won’t have much force