21 July 2007

Pulling my hair out!

So, today is the first day of the second week of the second session of teaching for the summer. How's that for a mind bender? I have to say, this job is running me ragged. I am VERY glad that it is only for 4 more weeks... I don't think I could handle much more. The teaching itself is fine, and often very rewarding. I connect well with my students, enjoy them and draw a lot of positive energy from being in front of them.

But I am exhausted. I figure, with commute time included, I am working between 60-70 hrs a week right now. I teach 13 classes in 5 days with commutes of over an hour (sometimes closer to 2) one-way on most days. Its fatiguing and the worst part is that I have so little time for my friends. My days off this session are Sunday and Monday. Sometimes I have to work part of Monday to keep up with all the planning and paperwork and that leaves little time to socialize. On top of that, when you get home at 6:30 pm, after leaving the house at 7:30 am it is hard to muster the energy to go out. And I only get home that early on Saturdays. On Tuesdays and Fridays I am lucky to get home by 7:00 and on Wednesdays and Thursdays I teach evening classes and usually make it through the door around 10:30 or 11:00. Whew! Hard to believe even for me.

This job is reminding me yet again that I am a bad time manager and absolutely dreadful at making time for the most important things. Urgency always wins out. So my attendance gets in and my books get packed and I shower, but my quiet time just doesn't seem to happen most of the time. My heart hurts because of it. And my body does too.

The stress hormones are racing through my bloodstream with no letup. I can feel the adrenaline and I know that I need to run or do something to get it out of my system. But there is no time. I wake up feeling icky and go to bed uncomfortable with no better explanation than the fact that I haven't relaxed all day, sitting in traffic was horrible, and I am not ready to teach my next set of classes.

The pragmatic part of me says, "It's just for a few more weeks, the money is good and the work is rewarding." The vulnerable part of me wants to cry and whimpers "But all I need is some quiet, a cup of tea, and uninterrupted time to think and pray." I am afraid that the whimpers will go ignored for so long that they will stop. I am afraid that I will lose touch with the soft vulnerable parts and become what I so loathe: the hardened, tough, do-it-yourself single woman. Is that how a woman becomes that way? Just ignore that voice for a little while longer and it won't bother you anymore?

This post has evolved into something that I didn't really expect. My heart is full and my body is tired, but there is too much to do in the few hours that I have before bed, so I will close off and get to the next thing. Maybe I'll have time for quiet tomorrow.....


TulipGrrl said...

The tyranny of the urgent. . . That gets me, too.

"the hardened, tough, do-it-yourself single woman. Is that how a woman becomes that way?" I don't think so. . . While as a single woman you may not have the reminders (demands) of the immediate relationships (husband, children) pulling you back from the urgent--I don't think a ragged schedule is what hardens someone.

*hug* Praying you get time to rest today. Pray. Unwind. Be gentle with yourself.

Anonymous said...

Oh my...Busy, busy, busy. Will we get to see you next week when Amy is in? I hope so. Hang in there, sweetie. Love, Gen