thinking about my dad

This month has been a hard one for my Dad.  The brother immediately above him in age died about a week and a half ago from liver cancer.  He had been sick for years, but he declined very quickly at the end and even though Dad went out to AZ to be with him at the end, Brian was not coherent when he arrived and shortly thereafter slipped into a coma, dying a couple of days later.

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose one of my sisters, and my father has had to mourn the deaths of 3 of his brothers in the last 20 years, two of them in the last 10.

So, in honor of my wonderful Dad who I love up to the moon, here is a reprise of a poem I wrote about him a few years ago.  This was prompted by a memory from when I was around 5 or 6.

Her first Father-Daughter dance

He lounges in the brown tweed Lay-Z-Boy,
the sound of raucous, cheering fans,
competing with the crunch of Fritos.

She is six and doesn’t understand
football belongs to men.
No Girls Allowed.

A creak, the chair leans back, arm raised
for the pass, next moment he is on his feet
shouting at the officials: Fourth down!

Sometimes she crawls onto his lap,
he buttons her into his big brown sweater.
In whispers her education begins.

His beard scratches her ear as he unfolds
Walter Payton’s record; the importance
of a good wide receiver

Soon she joins the groan at the fumble,
the botched two-point conversion or
the missed hold call.

17 to 20! two-minute warning!
The Bears run out—a punt return.
It will take a miracle!

She grips her Dr. Pepper.  
It doesn’t matter that she is too warm under the sweater.
It doesn’t matter she is not a son.

Time for a new tagline

For years my tagline has been "The wonderings and wanderings of a living oxymoron."  This was very meaningful to me because I really wrestled with how to bring into cohesive wholeness this seeming dichotomy between my love of all things domestic--including cooking, organizing a household, and making things grow--with my passionate pursuit of intellectual understanding.  It wasn't a combination that I saw modeled in my circle of acquaintance and it was questioned by many well-meaning people who continually tried to pigeon-hole me in an attempt to know and understand me.  There were always folks who accepted this strange commingling in me, some who even celebrated it, declaring my Renaissance Woman status.  But in the midst of that I felt the need to defend and explain, even in my blog header.

Recently (in the last few months) I realized that my tagline didn't resonate any more.  I knew of, if not personally, multiple other women who loved the quotidian practice of homemaking while also pursuing a life of the mind.  Whole communities of women existed online who were engineers who love canning, or artists who shared their cooking or cleaning practices, etc. and my own life was now peopled with men and women who celebrated and engaged with internal dichotomies of all sorts.

As I considered what to change the tagline to, I realized that I needed something that expressed my love for both the substantial material world and the world of ideas AND that embraced my conviction that my spiritual life and intimacy with Christ is what framed it all and made sense of these varied and sometimes divergent loves.  The newest iteration is this "Living in the midst of the material and ethereal and bringing it all into subjection to Christ."  That expresses my situation a bit more clearly and succinctly, but I am not certain yet if it is the most accurate version.  If you have any suggestions or feedback on this, I welcome it!

2012 ~ the year of meditation ~

view of city from south loop/pilsen 2009

2011 was a good year.  It was a year of preparation and that is what happened.  Sara and I were able to pay off all of our debt and increase our charitable giving, I started graduate school, and we even managed to get 8 hrs of sleep a night most of the year ;-)

2012 looks to be a busy year--in 2 weeks I'll begin my second semester of grad school, move to working part-time at my current job, and begin the adventure of full-time grad school.  This summer I hope to road trip to visit PhD programs and in the fall I will begin my final year of grad school and my thesis.  I will also be applying to PhD programs.

With all that is on my plate, especially in the realm of study and plans for the future, it is imperative that the truth find a home DEEP in my heart.  To that end, this is the year of mediation.  My intellect is an important part of my life and my intimacy with God.  All the exercise it is going to be getting with a full-time grad school class load means that my heart needs to be kept fit as well.  Rather than reading through the Bible again, as I have in past years, it has become clear that I need to go deep and build strong habits.  I will be reading through the Bible with a program that has been recommended to me at least 2 years in a row, including by Doug (post linked to above).  If you decided to do this as well, please let me know and perhaps we can share some of our fruit.

This will be a busy, full year, but I am certain that it will also be a year like none other for growth in maturity and intimacy with Christ.

many thanks to Jason Clark and his wonderful photo skills for this fun pic!

wishing for international travel

path outside Pluscarden Abbey, Northern Scotland

It is now officially over a year since the last time I was out of the country.  Sara and I traveled for 8 days to Scotland with a brief stop in Copenhagen in Oct/Nov of 2010.  It was one of the best vacations of my adult life.  I really think I could live in Edinburgh for the rest of my natural life (and I am still trying to figure out how I could swing a PhD there....)  One of the things I love about the British Isles is their commitment to walking holidays.  I grew up in the land of roadtrips and I treasure the hours, days, and occasional weeks the my family spent on the road exploring the glories of these United States.  Walking across the US is something only a very few ever even think of attempting.  But in Scotland or England, it is entirely doable in 2 or 3 weeks.

Which brings me to my current timewaster--researching walking trips in Scotland.  I've mentioned before how much I love walking and hiking.  Often it seems the perfect antidote to my monkey mind.  Today I wandered around cyberland looking at options and found a fun website that outlines some of the best walking trips in that lovely and rugged country.

The plan, currently, is to plan one of these trips, possibly the Coast to Coast route, to celebrate the completion of my MA (estimated May 2013).  That gives us more than enough time to get more fit and to do some shorter hikes here in the US.  This makes me VERY EXCITED!  

Until that day, I am going to have to satisfy my wanderlust with more local travel and look for other opportunities that the Lord may be opening up.  It is a little easier to wait with something like this on the horizon.

Pantoum of a Single Woman

I've been writing poetry as my weekly class assignments for my Forms of Poetry class this semester but much of it is not really worth sharing.  However, this past weekend I wrote a pantoum that I and my professor (and my classmates, I think) really enjoyed.  Hope you enjoy it too.

Btw, a pantoum is a form written in 4 line stanzas where the 2nd and 4th lines are repeated in the following stanza as lines 1 and 3.  It creates a rhythmic repetition that works for a variety of topics and styles, but seems to work particularly well with this one.

Pantoum of a Single Woman

I borrow babies, boys and girls,

their parents think I’m generous.

I’m only thinking of myself--

how can I sate this empty womb?

They think I’m generous and kind;

I give them several hours away.

To sate my empty womb takes time,

“Just dinner and a movie?” “Great.”

Those extra hours away, sweet bliss,

a tired couple’s desperate dream.

No chicken strips or dumb cartoons,

real conversation, what a treat.

Every tired couple’s dream

an evening free of dirty diapers;

uninterrupted conversation

like stolen sweet, forbidden fruit.

“Have an evening free of diapers.”

I am just thinking of myself,

holding them--forbidden fruit--

“I’ll borrow your babies any time.”

a cruciform heart

Reading my blogroll at work might be a dangerous practice.  Lately there have been too many posts that pierce my heart.  Not sure if the piercing is from the pointedness of the posts, or the thinness of my heart skin.  

Ann writes heartbreakingly of being abandoned in the jungle and being broken in your affluence and I can barely take it in.  Her words dance past my walls and barriers, going straight for the softest places in my heart, never caring what my intellect wants to say to keep a safe distance.

And then another comments on this story, with her own chapter of heart-tearing, truth bearing reality and I wonder if I will ever be capable of such transparency.  When I think I am full up and there is no more room to hear hearts crying or truth piercing, the wonderful encourager at Gypsy Momma weighs in about the beauty and power of being free to not be fine.

Thanksgiving wells up that I have this silent Monday to reflect and be quiet.  Come, Lord Jesus.  Break me open to make me whole.

Me too...

RZIM reposted a short article about G.K Chesterton that I love.  The quote below from the close of the article grabs my heart and my imagination:

To everyone his life affected, and continues to affect, G.K. Chesterton, with and without words, made a boisterous point about delighting in life to the fullest; life that is fullest, first and foremost, because there is someone to thank. He writes:

You say grace before meals.
All right.
But I say grace before the play and the opera,
And grace before the concert and the pantomime,
And grace before I open a book,
And grace before sketching, painting,
swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing;
And grace before I dip the pen in the ink.

Chesterton was a man alive with the gusto of resurrection, the marvel of truth, and the thankful foresight of the coming King among us. 

I especially want that last line to be true of my life.  Please let people say that about me too....

Fragile and Empty

Today has been a hard day.  I woke up to another day of unexplainable sinus unhappiness and an anxiety-inducing dream that left me craving a day wrapped in the comforter and burrowed away from life.  Talking out my dream with Sara led to some emotional conversation, tears, and a panicked rush into the shower so I could get to work close to on time.  Not even listening to some of my favorite Christmas music on the way in on the train could life my spirits.

Arriving to work 10 min late I found out that one of my co-workers will no longer be working here, effective immediately.  Minimal explanation is available, but it doesn't look positive.  When I talked to her supervisor about it she was noncommittal about reasons but did say that it was unexpected. 
 

one of the many doorways from our Edinburgh trip

In addition, it seems that my emotions are in a bit of a riot as I consider this next step in my work/school life.  My office would like me to stay on part-time in January at my current pay rate, pro-rated to an hourly wage.  They will hire a full-time receptionist to cover the front desk and I will only have my executive support duties 2.5 days a week.  It seems like an ideal situation.  But I've made too many leaps into commitment without taking the time to truly listen to what God is saying to me about it, so I am trying to take it slow.  

I can see many reasons why this could be His best provision for me, including the pay scale, the fact that I don't have to look for another job, and the comfort of not having to uproot myself.  The downside is that my tendency towards a peripatetic work life means that I am restless for change.  With almost 3.5 yrs logged in one location, change seems like a good idea.  Additionally, it would be great to be working in my neighborhood, or at least somewhere close by enough that I could commute via bicycle or walking, rather than taking the L all the way into the loop and back.  I've applied for a couple of positions in our neighborhood with no results, and searches for available positions haven't been very fruitful either. 


And on top of all of this, my heart is so restless for deep intimacy with God in prayer and Bible study.  I am so hungry.  My heart feels famished.  I know this is a good thing, to be encouraged and cultivated... an appetite that needs to grow.  But it is overwhelming in the rush and bustle of my life right now.  I find myself resenting my job, sitting at my desk for 7+ hrs a day and then rushing on to the next obligation.  I love the pieces of my life... classes, doing homework even, Sunday worship, working with the Children's Church kids, cooking dinner, helping Sara with her sewing projects, an occasional novel slipped into my academic reading...  But I haven't been making time for reflection, for deep listening, for soaking in the truth.

Edinburgh

I want to walk and keep walking until there is rest in my chaotic brain and overburdened heart.  Read this article on Art House America's blog yesterday and wanted to jump on a plane to anywhere where I could walk for a couple of weeks, stopping to sleep in a decent bed, eat pub food, and have a nice drink.  Fresh air, experiencing real weather, sleeping the sleep of the physically tired, and time to let my thoughts unbend.


Then I read something like Ann's post here about Ecuador and my heart breaks in a different direction.  The comfort and ease of my life often feels like a burden, a responsibility that I don't always handle well.  The beggars on the street are the most visible sign of the need that engulfs my life here in the city and I feel so inadequate to meet any of it.  My mind knows that rest and wholeness are found in Christ.  My emotions are often slow to find it.


Pray for me when you think of it.  Not sure what the Holy Spirit is doing in my heart, but I so desperately don't want to miss out on something beautiful because I am too busy or too blind.

Poverty of Heart, My Impoverished Heart

There have been quite a few posts going across my screen over the last month that have been challenging my views of people in need, poverty, giving, and what it means to be Jesus to the world.  These two were particularly thought provoking and I didn't want them to get lost in the Facebook abyss.

The first is from RZIM : Free Lunch Economy, which shares a story about Henri Nouwen and his work L'Arche in Canada.  I wrestle so much (and at times not enough) with my fallen thinking that values the people around me for their ability to perform, their perceived value generally, or how they will benefit me.  I am shamed or called to repentance almost daily.  At least that means that the truth is illuminating my heart...

The second is from Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience.  The Lord has been using her incredibly to break my heart with the truth and to help me see the reality of his grace all around me.  This particular post, though, wrestles with the very real fear that poverty and pain, the reality of meeting those they have loved from a distance through Compassion, will not truly pierce their hearts.  Won't open them up to new life.  I don't even have words for how this resonates in my heart.

May you too know the pain of conviction and the joy of know that it means the Spirit is moving in your heart!

Vacancy.com Scholarship Post-- My ideal apartment in my ideal city

(balcony view from Arena Crossings)

Looking forward to the next step in my education (a little ways off yet, but still worth considering) I've been plotting and investigating PhD opportunities. Ohio State University has an amazing program that is HIGH on my list of possible landing places. That means looking at the housing market in Columbus, OH and seeing what's there.

Arena Crossing--a property in the heart of Columbus--offers several irresistible features: generously sized layouts in modern buildings, balconies for personal outside space, security, 24-hr service, proximity to the downtown amenities, and a price that seems quite reasonable to my Chicago-jaded eyes. The most important factor in my search was commut-ability to the Ohio State campus without a car. The property's location near High St public transportation and only 2 miles from the main campus means that I can get to and from school without having to rely on car transportation every day. The only thing that would make it more perfect was if there was more green space in the immediate area. I know that is hard to come by in an urban setting, but it is something that is close to my heart.

New use for the blog?

So, I have not updated this blog in a VERY LONG time. I've been using Facebook for the majority of tasks that I've used this blog for in the past, so it has stood neglected. However, a new use has suddenly come to the fore: scholarship applications.

There are several scholarships that ask that you post on your blog and link back as part of the application process. As I navigate this somewhat tortuous path through grad school I am seeking to be the best steward possible of my time and finances. That means applying for any and all scholarships that cross my horizon and fit my goals and purpose.

To that end, I may be posting some pretty random posts over the next couple months. Since I seem to still have a couple of faithful readers, I will try to include some with actual life content as well in thanks for your continued readership.

Quick update:

I am currently in the MA English Literature program at Northeastern Illinois University. I started this fall and hope to finish the program in May 2013. I am currently taking two classes and working full-time at my current job, but plan to move to working part-time in January so that I can take a full course load for the remaining 3 semesters. While NEIU is small state school only 4 miles from my apartment, the professors in the program are energetic, young, and interested in changing the way English graduate work is done. This makes the program more interesting and challenges my own growth as a scholar in fruitful ways.

I owe a deep debt of gratitude to Sara Rhatican Gambill for all the support that she is offering me during this process. We have now lived together for the better part of 6 years and she is unfailingly gracious and generous with her time and energy to help make this a success. Over the last 12-14 months we have worked very diligently to pay off all of our debt and I am proud to say that by October 31st we will be entirely debt free! We aren't sure about the grand total yet, but it looks like we have paid off approx. $20,000 of credit card, school loan, and person loan debt. God has really shown up as we have sought to be good stewards. He has allowed us to increase our giving and still quickly advance out of debt.

Because of this move out of indebtedness, Sara has arranged our budget so that my full-time income is not necessary to keep our household afloat. As long as I can fund my education without debt and put aside my part-time income for savings, she is willing to use her full-time income to cover our household expenses. To keep up my end of the bargain I am energetically in pursuit of scholarship funds and looking for the best part-time work situation for our household. I know that God will provide exactly what we need when we need it which makes this both exhilarating and sometimes terrifying.

The path that lies before me pretty much looks like this. I can see only a little way ahead and sometimes the branches seem to be blocking the way. The long-term plan is a PhD in English or Comparative Literature and a full-time professorate at a college or university, preferable in the Appalachian region of Ohio, Kentucky, North Carolina, Western Virginia, Tennessee, etc. I am acutely aware that that dream is impossible on my own strength. However, I can see God's hand all over the path that has brought me this far, so I am earnestly seeking to just rest in Christ and trust that when the need is there, so will His provision be.

Please feel free to comment or email me if you have an questions. I realize that some of you are more up to date about life because you are friends with me on facebook, but some of you don't do the facebook thing :-)

thoughts for 2011

There is a lot to think about as 2011 opens. I am sure that this year is going to bring many changes and new experiences and I've been looking for ways to filter my ideas and opportunities in the most effective and fruitful way. I want my life to honor God in all of its particulars and I am trying to wrap my brain and heart around the life purpose that he helped me to articulate late last year.

Life purpose: To create shalom in my community through teaching and hospitality.

Vision for the next few years: prepare for and then acquire a PhD in English Literature so that I can teach at a college or university where I can pursue my purpose with those who have a Christian identity but lack intimacy with Christ.

I expect that there will be much to consider but right now I have a few articles that are worth thoughtful consideration:

• This post from Ravi Zacharias includes a story that I have heard before, but its truth pierced me anew: " ...The primary purpose of a home is to reflect and to distribute the love of Christ. Anything that usurps that is idolatrous. ..."
• The Art House America blog had a reflective piece on seeing reality and this quote was also a good reminder as I consider the reality of hospitality and shalom in the life of the city: "...He spoke of Jesus’ mandate to let the wheat and the chaff grow together and let God have control in the end — God who is not threatened by the presence of chaff. If we took it upon ourselves to start weeding the field, we would get it wrong. We would proceed by making false distinctions, in groups and out groups, positions of advantage and of humiliation. We would grab power and disenfranchise anyone who didn’t fit the controlling narrative we created; we would pluck out wheat and call it chaff...."

2010 saw the end of a long-term relationship, the change of homes, change of church homes, and a renewal of my commitment to live in the city for at least the next 5 yrs. With a clearly articulated purpose, an ambitious debt-payment plan, and preparations underway to start graduate school in the fall there is a much on my mind and my heart. If there are still any readers of this blog, please pray for me as I seek to use the next 8 months as preparation for the next big step. There are far more things that I want to do, understand and experience than I can fit in that short time. I need Holy Spirit-guided discernment to make the best choices. Saturday is our Household Summit. I hope to come out of it with a better grasp on the next 12 months and hopefully some attainable goals for the next 3/6/9 months. I will share more as it becomes known.

photo is from Pluscarden Abbey, Scotland from our trip in Nov 2010

Super Bag Swap

As if I had nothing else to do, I decided to participate in the Sew, Mama, Sew Super Bag Swap. Since I will be heading out to Scotland at the end of the month, I wanted to be sure to get the bag sewn and off early. I used some lovely vintage upholstery fabric in yellow and gold (my swap partner was interested in something in goldenrod-like colors) and used the Phoebe bag pattern. You can see her pic here. I thought it turned out well :-)

Simple sewing projects on the horizon

I've been itching to sew, but our current apt has been a sauna in this extremely hot weather. So much for moving north for cooler summers! However, today I have a half-day of work and I really do want to get some sewing done. I have several projects that are calling for finishing, but I wanted to post a couple of links that look quick, fun, and definitely useful.

Over at Sew Mama Sew today they had a posting asking for your favorite sewing tutorial. I've been looking for a good one to make those reusable fabric lunch bags I've seen on Etsy and on other sites. And today someone linked to a really good one. Will let you know how mine turn out.

I've also been wondering what to do what a number of T-shirts that I have that have sentimental value but which I do not wear. One good idea was this T-shirt turned shopping bag. Since it is very minimal sewing, I am considering making a few today. Another interesting use for a big t-shirt is this tutorial for yoga pants. I'm always looking for additions to my workout wear that won't cost much. May have to try this.

MOVING!

Sara and I have taken a lease on a new apt just up the street from our current one. Our lease will start Oct 1st on this 2-bedroom third-floor walk-up and we are VERY excited. We were looking for a place where we could settle down for a few years and really get invested in our neighborhood. The apt is circled(?) in purple in the image above. All of those windows are ours and face west for some beautiful sunlight. After we move in and get things situated I'll try to get more pics up. One exciting development is that the additional space should give me a full-time sewing/creating space.

another thought for the apartment

If you are on Facebook you probably have already seen the pics of the updated apartment. Yippee! We are loving the new colors! However, we have also entered the season of much sun light and the dining room and kitchen can't get overwhelmingly hot with the west facing windows uncovered. I found a very simple tutorial online for Un-Curtains that I think might work. Will have to ask Sara about it....

photo courtesy of Jacquie at Tallgrass Prairie Studio

Spring to the Finish round-up

This was a productive time for me! We got our apartment painted on Saturday (pics to follow as soon as we take some!) The colors are gorgeous and we are very pleased all around.

Also dropped one of the projects--the green curtains. They were for the main room, but after we painted it turquoise and I didn't like the green fabric along side the paint, so they were tossed.

Also managed to sew 2 skirts for Sara and 1 reversible skirt for me. The projects, the projects!

Will try to post more pics this weekend or next week.

Thank you for your encouragement! Total UFOs: 14 Total finished: 6--including painting 3 rooms. Not bad if I may say so myself.

One UFO that is finished that I forgot to mention

I didn't realize it had been that long since I posted--I finished the first Isabel Oliver shirt for Em for her birthday! I am hoping she might send a pic my way so that you all can see it. I found a pattern on a sewing website (sorry I can't remember at the moment) about a week before Em emailed me to ask if I could possibly sew one or two for her pregnancy. Glad I was able to surprise her! I have the fabric to make 3-4 more, but I am not sure when that is going to happen.

2 More UFOs done!

Alas, I don't have pictures to include with this post either, but I have completed two more UFOs! Brandie's bear, named Leopold (he told me his name as he was coming together), will be mailed later this week. Also finished Lydia's quilt. Yippee! Hooray! Just have to rinse out the marking pencil and let it dry and it can fly on it's happy way to KS.

I am moving forward on other projects, so I hope to add another post soon. And as soon as I get some pics from these items, I will post them as well.

UFO update--2 down, 2 almost there

This was a successful sewing weekend! I finished altering KG's bridesmaid dress for the wedding this coming weekend. Abby's bag is also finished, and as soon as I finish Lydia's quilt (hopefully tonight!) I will be mailing them both off to KS. In addition I started one of the IO shirts and hope to get the rest cut and possibly sewn in the next few days. Sara has dance classes on Monday and Wednesday, so I am hoping for a bit more sewing time sans guilt for ignoring the beautiful people in my life :-)

Hopefully will have some pics to add to this in a little bit.