This blog is not coming along as I hoped. I want it to be a place where some actually thinking, in writing, happens. However, I feel like it is more likely to become some sort of Day-Timer/diary/group letter-type receptacle that never gets any deeper than my last appointment. Have to do something about that now while I still can.
Trouble is there is not much time for typing in my life. This blog requires not only thinking, but also a record of those thoughts in some coherent fashion that can be negotiated by my important, albeit small, group of readers. I am a writer, an artist, and an individual. This blog should not happen if I don’t have anything to say. I am learning, however, that it is not only having something to say, but also the means and opportunity to say it.
Obviously, life changes have been a major thought on my mind lately. Money has become important, and therefore finding gainful employment has become an issue. But finding a job while one is traveling around marshalling ones possessions from several states and depositing them all in a single location is not an easy prospect. Every decision is contingent on some other decision and each one requires gathering information, talking to involved parties, and then negotiating results that satisfy everyone involved. And sometimes the information is not available, or the people are not willing or able to conversate. This is frustrating.
I want to know where I am going to go to graduate school, how much money they are going to offer me, where I am going to live, and when I am going to take up residence there. I don’t want to live in another temporary situation. I don’t want to try to explain what I don’t know to someone who doesn’t understand and who doesn’t need an answer. Most of all, I don’t want to wait. But waiting seems to be the way of life for now.
Waiting—that is probably the biggest issue right now—and it has been an issue my entire life. How does one live a life of active productive waiting? I have been waiting for one or more life-defining variable for my entire existence. Waiting for an experience, an award, a relationship, an accomplishment… and as soon as it arrives in my possession, I look for the next.
Waiting has always seemed to be a passive activity to me. One waits for the doctor, for the repairman, for the next cashier. One waits for the mail, for the water to boil, for the next train. If you have the resources, you may be able to conduct some business, talk to a friend, or read a book. But that time never seems to be very productive and it is usually resented. I have productively used wait time, as well as fussed and fumed. Is that enough? And what if the wait isn’t just a few minutes or hours of the day, but an entire lifetime?
In the inside of my Bible is a quote from Willa Cather that says, “The end is nothing, the road is all.” It has been on that page for 5-10 years, almost as long as I have owned the Bible, I believe. I collect quotes about traveling, roads, and other like topics and I don’t remember how it got there. Did I write it as an intentional reminder? Did it end of there because I didn’t have any other place to write it when I first found it? What did I think it meant when I wrote it? Did I even think about the implications?
The reality is that Will Cather’s sentiment is echoed by Christians throughout time. There is a lot of lip service given to the idea that God doesn’t care about the finished “me” because that whole idea is spurious. Instead, the focus is on my sanctification—the relationship that is growing between God and me as I come to understand who He is and what is important to Him, the growth in grace that comes as the Holy Spirit conforms me to the image of Christ. It is a never-ending process and I have to learn to appreciate the present moment of grace or I will live in a state of permanent dissatisfaction.